No Matter What
by UThnkUrFunny IThnkImAdorable
Summary: Wee!chesters. Dean is all Sam has. And he will do anything to make sure Dean stays. Limp!Angsty!Sam Protective!Distant!Dean. Warning: Some sexual content, nothing graphic
1. No Matter What

**Disclaimer: I own Sam and Dean. I also have excellent Foreign Policy experience... I can see Russia from my house!**

**New story... Don't know if it'll take, so if enough people like it, I'll continue it. (I swear at this rate I'm going to start hundreds of stories and not finish a single one!)**

**Another story of mine (Definition of a Human) is my main priority so updates will be far apart. Once I finish DoaH I'll work solely on this one. (If it takes)**

**Enjoy chapter one!**

* * *

It was another ordinary, (At least for me) day. I sat inside my brother's Impala waiting for him to come back out of the empty school. He went in with a small blonde about twenty minutes ago. That means I should expect him in between fifteen to twenty minutes.

I didn't mind. Dean deserved to have fun when he could. I was completely content working on school work in the back of the old muscle car. I always felt safe there. Being on the road all the time, constantly moving, it's the only real home I ever had. The impala was home. Simple as that. (I have sworn to shoot myself if I ever say that to Dean or my dad.)

The neighborhood we currently lived in was not, as one might call it, a safe place. Nearly every day, some beating, or break in, or rape happens. That's why I couldn't stay there while Dean is out. Dean would never let me stay there by myself. Dad was on a hunt a few counties over, but because there's no school system or decent (More decent than here) apartments in the area where the Woman in White was most likely to be, he left us here. So Dean picked me up from school then explained how he'd leave me in the car while he go has fun with 'Melissa.'

Being a pretty fast worker, I had almost finished all of my homework except my geometry. As usual I had a headache from working on it. There's just something about the subject that makes it so damn difficult to really understand any of the material.

That's when it happened.

That's when I felt it.

That's when I _saw _it.

I saw dad. I could only see his face, but I was aware of other things. I was aware that he was tied to an old fence in the middle of a large field. I was aware of the bruises framing his face, obviously from a beating. His struggles and movements were slow and labored as if his body were made of lead. An old rag, serving as a crude gag, couldn't block the soft whimper that emitted from him.

He _whimpered!_ My dad. My dad who saw emotions as burdens, who could keep his cool no matter what the pain, was whimpering! I don't know what happened or why. I could practically feel his pain. It was intense. It had to be in order to bring my dad down to his knees. I could feel warmth that I didn't feel before slowly start to dissipate. Dad's movements and struggles seemed to match the warmth, slowly slowing down and fading.

Then… it was gone. Another image flashed for a fraction of a second before I found myself back in the impala, geometry book in my lap. I squeezed the jacket I was wearing tighter around myself as I shivered. I knew the shivering wasn't a result of the cold.

Dad was dead. I knew he was. I couldn't _feel _him anymore.

He was dead.

Gone.

Forever.

I cried.

* * *

A couple of days later, Dean and I were sitting in another office, with an officer named Burton. He was a plain looking man. Average height, build, weight… His hair was soft brown, his face was shaped like you would picture a stereotypic 'man' to look like.

He shuffled through the papers on his desk, obviously stalling to find the right words to say. I didn't see why he was. We knew the facts. No matter how you say them, it isn't going to change anything.

At least, that's what Dean thought.

I felt him next to me, just like I always have. But now there was something missing. Like a black hole was slowly sucking my brother away.

I felt like crawling in my brother's head to block the hole. _No! Stop! You can't have him! He's all I've got now!_

"Alright," Officer Burton said. "I'd like to go over the facts one more time." At Dean's curt nod, he asked and we answered.

Yes, our dad was 45 years old.

Yes, he worked as a mechanic, traveling all over the US.

Yes, he was currently in Ashersville working a job, leaving us behind to go to school.

No, he didn't have any enemies. (Human ones, anyway)

No, our dad was not married.

No, he was not dating.

At approximately 6:00 AM, on November 3rd, 1997, John Winchester was found tied to a fence in the middle of a field, naked.

He had been raped, beaten, and choked to death.

Simple. Facts.

"Now, let's talk about who will take care of you…"

"We'll be fine," Dean said.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm 18 years old. I'm legally old enough to take care of my brother on my own."

"Yes, but I would recommend counseling."

"Absolutely not."

"Mr. Winchester…"

"We don't need a shrink to tell us how we feel."

"They can help you and your brother deal, Mr. Winchester. At least, Sam…"

"I'm fine," I said.

"Now what about our dad?" Dean asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Our dad. When do we get him back?"

"His… um… body is in a lab for analysis."

My heart jumped.

"He's being _experimented_ on!" Dean exclaimed.

"No, no! We're trying to gain evidence to see who did this to your father."

"Look, we don't care who did this to our father…"

_My ass,_ I thought.

"…We just want him back so we can cremate him. We wanna put him to rest."

I knew that was only half the reason Dean wanted dad back. Dean didn't think a human did it. He thought it was something supernatural. And I agreed with him. That vision I had…

I didn't tell Dean. I was scared. I saw dad die. I _felt _him die. I was afraid that Dean might think dad's death was my fault. I _did_ see it… Doesn't that mean I have a connection with it? And even if Dean didn't blame me, I'm sure he'd hate me for seeing it. Why would I see something like that? How disgusting was I to watch my own father die after being violated? So I didn't tell him. Dean was all I had and if it was the last thing I did, I was going to keep him.

No matter what.

* * *

**Love it? Hate it? Bored? Want more? REVIEWS FEED ME! MAKE THE AUTHOR HAPPY!  
**


	2. Slipping Away

**Disclaimer: See chap 1**

**Season 4 Episode 2 airs in 30 minutes! Yippee! Hey guys, here's chapter 2 of No Matter What!**

* * *

I watched from my seated position on my bed as my brother packed the remaining of his belongings. Dean did it methodically and automatically. He didn't think about it. He just did it. He wasn't thinking abut anything. He was barring himself against his own emotions, the world, and me. The black hole in his mind grew at an exponential rate, completely detaching my brother from everything. My own brother was no more than three feet away from me and I had never felt so alone in my life.

Dean had always been with me. When dad went on hunts, (_Don't think about it, don't think about it…_) Dean would always be there to reassure me and pass the time. Of curse over the years we both matured and had our own lives. Dean with his dating and me with my 'Geek Festivities' as he once dubbed them. We still hung out a lot and enjoyed each other's company but we truly lived in separate worlds.

But now all I wanted was to stick to my brother's side for the rest of my life. All at once, half my family was gone and I would be damned if I let the remaining of it go. Physically or emotionally.

We left the apartment that had been our latest temporary home and loaded our bags and ourselves into the Impala.

"So…" I started, hoping to spark a conversation, "We going to Ashersville?"

"Yes, Mr. Obvious," Dean said with no emotion.

"And… we're going to start asking around the same people that dad talked to when he was researching the Woman in White?"

"Sam, stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Don't' play stupid, Sam. I know you're trying to get me to talk about my 'feelings' and… stop."

So we spent the rest of the ride in silence. I looked out the window into the night. I let my mind wander into the beams of light that sped by from the lampposts. And at some point, I fell asleep.

_Pain, fear, violation, degrading… I felt them all in the blackness. And I heard it all… the voice._

"_Such a handsome man… You've been a pain in my lass for long enough… Such special genes… You've done your job… You feel soooo good!... The great John Winchester begging…?!_

_It's all your fault."_

II woke with a frightened gasp. I immediately looked for my brother for comfort to find the car empty. That's when I noticed that we were in front of a gas station.

I curled into a tight ball, forcing my sobs back. Forcing my emotions on Dean wouldn't help keep him 'him.' So I sucked it up.

Dean got back in the car, tossing a bag of Doritos into my lap. I gratefully opened the bag and dug in. Then I noticed that Dean didn't have anything. Not even a bag on peanut M&Ms. "You don't have anything," I stated.

"Not hungry."

I frowned. _Not hungry?_ Dean's always hungry. He usually ate himself to the point of my sickness. I sighed as I put the bag of Doritos down. This was yet another shred of proof that my brother was slipping away.

It was late evening by the time we arrived at Ashersville. I immediately took a dislike to it and saw why Dad wanted us to stay away. It was like something out of an 'end-of-the-world' movie. Houses were small and badly kept. Broken windows and shattered beer bottles littered the sidewalks. All the plants were huge and overgrown or dead. Dozens of homeless were wandering the streets. All of them looked absolutely miserable. Dead animals littered the streets and sidewalks. No wonder it was a small town. It was practically from a horror movie set. Unfortunately the first thing that came to my head was:

_This is no place to die_.

We checked into a motel about eleven o'clock at night. As usual, Dean took the bed closest to the door. I wondered if he's actual tells himself to take that bed or if it's just second nature by now. We quickly unpacked our meager belongings and settled in. I took a look around the room. It was plain and old. There were no decorations or even wall paper. Just the drywall with the screws. There were cracks in it that spewed dust every time a car drove by. The only light was a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

I headed toward the bathroom when Dean said without turning, "Make it quick. I wanna get an early start tomorrow." I found myself wondering how he knew I wanted to take a shower.

So I made it quick and when I got out I found Dean lying in his bed, half asleep. I got dressed as quickly as possible so not to disturb my brother. I felt like saying something as I crawled into bed. 'Goodnight, see you in the morning…' Some sort of way to get my brother to acknowledge me. But I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't sound forced.

He lay on his stomach facing away from me. I curled onto my side tucked under the covers, starting at my brother's form. I could tell he was sleeping from the even rhythm of the rise and fall of his chest. My mind was blank I started at his outline. There was only the pit in my stomach gnawing away at me. I knew it would stop if… _Stop being selfish, Sam_. Curling into a smaller ball, I tried to stop my body from shaking. The reason I was shaking, though, was because I was stopping myself from crying. Between crying and shaking, I chose shaking. No reason to annoy Dean with my problems when he had enough trouble to deal with on his own.

The pit in my gut was becoming larger and more painful. Not physically just… unbearable. _Suck it up, Sam_. There was no way I was going to sleep. Not only because of the pit but because every time my thoughts were completely free of my control I saw my dad's death. And I saw whatever flashed before my eyes right after I first saw him die. It kept coming back. But for the life of me, I couldn't remember what I kept seeing. Whatever it was though, it scared me. Though it only added a little to the absolute terror I've been carrying for the last several days. No way I was going to sleep. The pit in my stomach wasn't going to stop eating me up inside.

"_I wanna get an early start tomorrow."_

I slowly got out of my bed, throwing the covers off my body. It was for Dean. He wanted an early start tomorrow so that he could get as much done tomorrow as possible, and he can't get a whole lot done dragging my tired ass around all day. It would just be another reason for him to distance himself from me. I don't want to give him any reason to leave me alone. I crept over to my brother's bed. I quickly lifted the covers and crawled next to him. I knew he was awake now from the heavier breathing I heard from him. I curled against his side and slightly clutched the back of his shirt for that small amount of reassurance. I knew I was being selfish but I didn't care. The pit was still in my stomach but it had shrunk with the contact I had with Dean. My shaking had ceased to a slight tremble.

Through all of this, Dean remained still, seemingly unaware of my presence. I burrowed myself deeper into his side in an attempt to feel some lingering piece of my brother. Some feeling of his own presence. But even buried deep into his side, nothing revealed my brother. Just this shell remained that was determined to mock me. _You're alone now._ My trembling became more pronounced as silent sobs broke loose. _I can't lose my brother. He's all I've got. God, I don't wanna be alone!_ I clutched his shirt tighter, tears running freely down my face, soaking Dean's shirt. _Tell me I'm a girl… Call me a bitch… do _something_ that my brother would do… Show some sign that you care!_ Then I felt something brush against my head. I looked with a small hopeful gasp.

Dean had managed to snake his arm out and was now stroking my hair soothingly like he used to when I woke from a nightmare. He didn't even lift his head or move his body… just his arm. The plain tenderness of his hand on my head broke me. My sobs came out harder I all my grief suddenly broke free. I sobbed uncontrollable in my brother's side. The stress and emotions of the last few days finally catching up to me to breaking out in pitiful sobs.

Although Dean made no other move than to stroke my hair, I knew that some part of my brother was still in there. A part that cared.

I just had to figure out how to keep it from slipping away.

* * *

**Okay, CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM is the way to go for me but ALL comments are great! do you like, hate, have complaints, comments, corrections, wants, dont-wants, etc!**


	3. Dirty Little Freak

**Disclaimer: See chap 1**

**Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed so far! They are all greatly appreciated!**

**I forgot to mention before, that I got this idea from a book I read called The Road of the Dead. It's about two brothers who investigate the brutal death of their sister. The younger brother is a physic of sorts who can feel certain people's emotions and has visions of sorts. The older is having trouble dealing with his sister's death and shuts himself off emotionally which scares the younger brother. The original premise is the same as this story but my story will be MUCH different starting about here. (Or in the previous chapter XD)**

**Anyway, Enjoy chapter 3!**

* * *

_He was tied to a barbed wire fence. The barbs dug deeply into his bare back. But he wasn't in pain. Physical pain, anyway. He didn't feel the barbs or the broken ribs gritting against each other. All he felt was the _thing_ in front of him. Some man had taken him into his mouth and was sucking him deeply…_

_I was there. Not just watching, I could feel the abuser on myself. I could hear him describing to me what he did as the horrific scene played itself over and over and over until it was burned into my head permanently, like a brand that I would carry around for life. I couldn't stand it. I screamed hysterically for him, _it,_ to stop. I sobbed uncontrollably, clutching my head, screwing my eyes shut as I tried to block out the heart wrenching sounds and visual details of my father's elongated death. _

_Then I saw it. The single image that had mocked and teased me once again flashed before me. Only this time I remembered. An image that seemed to strike more fear in my heart than possible._

_From the blackest pit of hell, staring straight into my soul, were two yellow eyes._

I woke with a strangled scream. I sat up, trembling hard enough to shake the bed. Tears streamed down my face as the dream lingered in full detail of an agonizing long time. I ached for the comforting words and arm draped over my shoulder from my brother, but I did not expect them. And sure enough, they didn't come.

When I had calmed down to a certain degree, I noticed I was alone in the bed. My senses adjusted from the dream into the real world and I heard the shower running. Before Dean got out of the shower, I curled under the covers into a small, warm cocoon. I breathed in deeply. The bed still smelled like him. Leather and shaving cream. But it was more than that. It just had _his_ smell. One of the many things I would recognize anywhere. I imagined Dean lying right next to me. The mere thought seemed to calm me down.

I only spent a few moments there absorbing my brother's scent before quickly getting up and getting ready to leave. If I was ready before he got out of the shower, then that would show Dean that I'm not a burden, something that would be better off being dumped than dragged around.

When he did get out of the shower, he didn't acknowledge me with anything more than a slight nod. I handed him a cup of coffee I made, before quickly draining my own. He didn't thank me or show any gratitude for his favorite morning beverage, but I was okay with that. As long as he knew I was still useful.

I waited patiently by the door while he got dressed and ready, himself. He gave me a blank look before we left the motel room. Our first stop was the library.

"We're looking for anything besides the Woman in White," Dean said distractedly.

I nodded. It made sense. It's not like dad had anyone to be unfaithful to. And he didn't just disappear. They found… a body.

It was strange watching Dean be so meticulous about research. He usually bitched and complained and dumped most of it on me. Not that I minded. I like doing research. But now he delved into the old records and town history. Furiously writing notes down, completely unaware of his surroundings.

"What do you want, Sam?"

Well, mostly unaware.

"Nothing, just… what've you found? You've written enough to put Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace to shame."

Dean paused in his writing. Without looking up, he said, "Nothing supernatural so far. Though, I haven't completely eliminated humans from the suspect list."

That caught me by surprise. I thought Dean was completely set on dad's killer being supernatural in nature. But I guess I was wrong. After thinking about it for a moment, "How can a _human_ do something like that?"

"The supernatural have rules and codes of conduct, so to speak. Humans are just crazy."

It would have been a funny statement if Dean had gotten rid of the dead, toneless voice.

I shook my head and continued my own research. I knew it was supernatural. That'd be the only explanation for my dreams. I wanted to tell Dean that, but then I'd have to talk about my dreams, and I'm sure Dean would think I'm crazy and leave me behind in some asylum 'to get better.' I shuddered at the thought of being trapped, alone in a cell.

I'm extremely claustrophobic. A fear born when I was nine years old. A spirit we were hunting trapped me in a coffin that was at least partially underground. The spirit teased and 'played' (for lack of a better word) with me during my captivity. I would later learn that I was trapped in there nearly twenty-four hours before the spirit was salted and burned and Dean found me. At that point I was hysterical from fear and didn't even realize I was free and safe until after an hour or so of Dean rocking me and murmuring apologies and reassurances.

So the thought of being in a cell and/or, god forbid, a straitjacket, sent shivers down my spine.

And then, worse than being committed, there was a chance Dean would think me a freak… dirty for what I saw. I'm not saying that I'm not. (God, do I feel dirty and _wrong_ for having these dreams) but Dean is my entire world and if he figured out what I say, how dirty and wrong I really am, then my world would come crashing down at his inevitable rejection.

I couldn't let that happen. No matter what I will keep this secret to myself to judgment day to keep what was left of my brother 'here.' With me.

At around noon we left to interview the widower of the Woman in White.

"Might as well finish what dad started."

That's all Dean said. And I agreed with him. Although at that point I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since the bag of Doritos the night before. But apparently Dean wasn't hungry. I didn't want to annoy or anger him so I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it.

I sat in the Impala while Dean got suited up and entered the widower's home under the persona of a junior investigator. Obviously I couldn't do anything except maybe cause suspicion if I tried to interview the man. Yet another way I'm a burden to my brother. I was just going to have to work extra hard to prove my usefulness.

After about forty-five minutes, Dean got back into the car and drove off back to the motel. I looked at him expectantly. When he didn't seem to notice, "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"What did he say?"

Dean sighed in an annoyed manner, making me cringe inwardly. _You idiot! Don't give him another reason to leave you behind! _I berated myself.

"He did cheat on his wife. After the yelling and crying he told me where she was buried."

I wanted to ask him where that was but doing so would probably annoy him more.

When we got back to the motel, Dean plopped down on his bed face down. "Get some sleep, Sam," he said. "We're leaving at one AM for the salt and burn." I glanced at the clock that read two o'clock in the afternoon. I had no idea how I was going to fall asleep so early. Surprisingly enough, I did.

I wish I hadn't.

_There was nothing only darkness. I could feel him. He was all over me. He was _inside_ me. "No!" I screamed. I sobbed pitifully under the assault, twisting, turning trying to get him out and away from me. Trying to stop his hand from stroking what no man's hand should _touch_. "No, no, no, no, _no!_ Stop it! Please, stop! PLEASE!"_

_And then it did. I cried out in relief. I was curled in fetal position hoping to be able to block out another assault if one came. Then I saw him._

"_Dean!" I uncurled myself and ran towards him._

SLAP!

_It took me a moment to comprehend what had happened. My cheek stun and my head was turned to the right from the force of the hand hitting my face._

_Dean's hand. "De-Dean…"_

SLAP!_ "Shut up, Sam. Don't talk to me. Don't even _look_ at me."_

_I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I tried hard to keep them at bay, not wanted to give Dean anymore reason to be angry with me. "Dean, I-I…"_

SLAP!_ "Goddammit, I said shut up, Sam!" He held me by the collar with his free hand, pulling me closer to his face. "Can't you even follow a simple order?!" _SLAP!

_I quickly bowed my head and stared at the floor submissively, hoping to abate Dean's anger. But I couldn't help it anymore. The tears broke free and the sobs broke loose. "D-Dean…"_

SLAP! SLAP! _My lip was split and bleeding freely. My left eye had begun to swell shut. "For God's sake, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He shook me hard, making my sobs come out harder despite my inner protests. "God you make me sick! After we're done here, I never wanna see your pathetic face again!"_

_I could barely breathe as my worse nightmare came true. Dean was leaving me. He hated me. All at once my world began to crumble. "De… W-why…?"_

"_Dean swiftly brought his knee up to my stomach, letting me drop, with a painful grunt, unceremoniously to the floor. "Because you're pathetic. You've just a filthy little freak that makes my life ten times harder than it should me. What the hell gives you the right to take away my life, dreams, and wants just so you can have yours?"_

_I tried to get up from the blow to my stomach but my lungs didn't feel like breathing. As I gasped for air I looked up into my brother's hate-filled eyes through the tears that veiled mine. I was scared. For the first time in my short, pathetic life, I was scared of Dean. No, not scared. _Terrified._ He doesn't care about protecting and caring for me anymore. He just wants me gone._

_Gone._

_Dead._

_Forever._

* * *

**Love it? Hate it? The more reviews there are the sooner I'll update!  
**


	4. Please Don't Leave

**Disclaimer: as per chapter 1**

**OMG! ep 3 of season 4 was AWESOME! And I was right. Mary WAS a hunter! It was kinda obvious from the 'sorry' in Home and the 'its you' in AHBL pt1... but still! Sammy is even more of a mystery now! OMG! I can't wait for more!**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy chap 4. It was a toughy to write!**

* * *

"NO!" I screamed. I found myself once again sitting up in the bed, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. I looked around the room to find myself the sole occupant. A note was scribbled on a piece of paper on the table. I shakily managed to get up and stagger over to the table. I quickly wiped my tears away and took a couple of deep breaths to stop my overflowing sobs before I read the note.

Getting dinner. Leaving after we're done eating.

Extremely grateful that Dean was getting food, I noticed that it was eleven-thirty. _Okay, so I needed the sleep. But did it have to come with the prophetic dream?_ I knew it was prophetic because there was that same 'too-vivid' feeling to it that my original dream I had about dad… And that absolutely terrified me. I knew I'd have to do everything possible to prevent that dream from becoming reality.

By the time Dean returned, I had gotten dressed, cleaned the weapons, and checked to make sure we had enough salt and kerosene. He quirked an eyebrow at the cleaned weapons sprawled on my bed but didn't say anything. When he looked at me I quickly vowed my head, making sure I didn't look at him. I didn't move until I heard him dump the food on the table and say, "Come eat, Sam."

Keeping my head bowed, I quickly sat at the table and grabbed the burger he got for me. I may have been hungry but I couldn't seem the taste the food as I chewed and swallowed it. I quickly finished off the sandwich before Dean and quickly threw my garbage away and started packing up the equipment. I heard Dean pause in his eating and I found myself wondering what he was thinking. Nothing I came up with was good.

When the duffle bags were packed I opened the door with them slung over one shoulder.

"What're you doing?" Dean asked.

I turned around keeping my gaze firmly on the ground. "Just taking the bags to the car," I said in a subdued voice in an attempt not to anger him.

There was a moment of silence before I heard the jingle of keys. "Impala's locked. Here."

Making sure I didn't look at his face, I saw the keys in his hand. Keeping my head down, I quickly grabbed them out of his hand so not to taint his skin with my own. I practically ran out of the room to the car. My trembling was so pronounced I could barely put the keys in the trunk lock.

About ten minutes later, Dean locked the motel door and got in the car. I looked hard at my hands that were resting in my lap, desperately trying to squash the need to curl up in my brother's strong arms and disappear to somewhere safe.

"Are you okay?" I jumped in surprise. I quickly shook my head. "No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah… I guess… I guess… Dad…"

Dean didn't say anything. And I didn't want to push him over the edge.

**Why the hell is it all about you?**

I spun around to face Dean. "What did you say?"

Dean's frown deepened. "I didn't say anything."

"Oh." I went back to staring at my hands. I could have sworn I heard…

**Fucking kid's loosing his mind.**

I stiffened. Why was Dean saying this? My body started to tremble as I tried to keep my tears at bay.

**God, will he just stop thinking about his own fucking self for a change?**

I squeezed my arms tightly together in an attempt to reduce my trembling. _Dean doesn't need you to be a quivering mess on this hunt! Just don't think about it… _I told myself.

**You really are useless.**

A single tear escaped before I managed to stop the rest from flowing. I berated myself for the way my breathing was hitching.

"You sure you're okay, Sam?"

_He must really think low of me if he can say that after calling me useless…_ A sudden thought came to me. _Maybe he's testing me to see if I can suck it up. If I can, he'll know I'm worth something!_ "I'm fine. Let's just go burn the bitch!" It was a blatant attempt at bravado, but it was damn worth it for the smile Dean flashed. Although, that smile tugged painfully at my heart when I remembered how Dean actually thought of me.

We arrived at an old abandoned house at about twelve-thirty in the morning. Dean jumped out and opened the trunk. Keeping my gaze downward, I followed in suit, waiting for Dean to lay out the plan.

"I'll dig her up, you keep a look out. Remember, shoot anything that moves."

**And don't screw up.**

I gripped the loaded shotgun tightly, determined to prove my worth to Dean.

Apparently, the cheated-on wife had been buried under an old red bud tree, long dead now and easily taken out. My back faced the grave sight as Dean's grunts and heavy breathing reached my ears. I wanted to help him with the digging but I already had a job and I intended to do it well. I circled the grave, keeping a look out at all ankles. I was trembling from the cold (At least that's what I told myself) and it seemed as though my coordination was off. I figured I was just tired.

**Idiot brat can't even keep his fucking game up. It's not like I gave him a hard job!**

My chest constricted at the words. _I wonder if Dean knows that I can hear him. Probably._ Determination and my inherent stubbornness forced me to swallow down my emotions and focus on the hunt. Even so, my mind kept wandering.

It occurred to me that Dean doesn't call me 'Sammy' anymore. I remember bitching to him constantly about calling me that childish name. But since dad died… I sighed and clung to the fact that Dean comforted me the previous night. _My Dean's still in there._

**How about you stop wallowing in your pathetic little self and actual do something useful!**

"Sorry," I said softly, cringing as it came out as a begging whimper.

Dean paused in his shoveling. "What?" I expected his voice to be annoyed or angry so I was surprised when his (lately) emotionless voice was tinged with worry.

**You and your hopeful semantics. **

I furrowed my brow in confusion. _Something's wrong…_

**Yeah! You're not paying attention!**

That's when the Woman in White appeared. Cursing myself for not paying attention I quickly aimed the shotgun and fired. As she shrieked and dissipated, I felt and blast of heat behind me.

I smiled in relief. She was salted and burned.

**No thanks to you, you useless piece of crap!**

"Sorry…"

"Sam, why do you keep saying sorry?"

I felt rather than saw my brother next to me. So not to accidentally anger him, I kept quiet.

"You've been acting strange tonight…"

"'M sorry." I said quickly keeping my head down. It became suddenly so much harder to keep my sobs down. _This is the most he's talked to me in days…_

"Sam, what's wrong…" **You're so fucking annoying.**

"I'm sorry!" The tears started to leak about but at least I wasn't any weaker by sobbing my heart out. I still cringed at the way my voice sounded, though it didn't stop me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, don't be mad!"

I suddenly felt a pair of warm, strong hands on my shoulders. More tears broke loose as I reveled in the touch. "Sam, look at me."

I trembled harder as I shook my head, not wanting to contaminate my brother.

"Sam…" **You** **pathetic, useless brat!**

I launched myself forward into my brother's chest as my sobs broke free at my desperation. "No! Please! Don't leave me! I don't wanna be alone! Please! I'm sorry! I promise I'll be good! I'll hunt, I'll train, I won't get in the way! Just please…" My chest heaved under the strain. I suddenly felt worn down and tired. No, exhausted. My body started to sag and I desperately twisted my fists into Dean's leather jacket. _If I hold on, he won't leave..._

**Get your filthy hands off me!**

I choked on my sobs as I immediately complied. "I'm sorry…" I whimpered. I threw all attempts of keeping any semblance of pride out the window. I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted my brother. _My_ brother. _Please let him stay…_ "Please don't leave… I'll be good…" I felt myself fall to my knees. Hugging myself, I repeated my mantra in hopes of convincing Dean… "Please don't leave, please don't leave, please don't leave…"

**Why would I haul your pathetic, dirty hide around with me, you freak?**

That was it. I curled into a small ball, muttering apologies for causing him trouble. I sobbed impossibly harder, accepting the fact that I was going to be alone now. Without anybody… Without Dean.

Gone.

Dead.

Forever.

* * *

**Okay, this was tough to write, and I still think it's not as good as it could be but hey! Please review and tell me what you think! If you don't like something, tell me and maybe I'll change it!  
**


	5. Just Us

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**Wow... this has got to be the longest chapter I have ever written for ANY of my fics... That's good!**

**I've got some Dean-third-person here... Every now and then I'll do that. But the story is still primarily from Sam's POV.**

_**WARNING!**_** This chapter contains sexual assault. It's mild but still not for the squeamish. **

**Enjoy chapter five!**

* * *

For a moment, Dean stood dumbfounded. At one moment, was talking to himself, to the next where he was clutching desperately to his jacket. And then suddenly as though burned, he let go and sunk to the ground, pleading then apologizing.

Dean immediate thought was, _What the hell?_ But a split second later, he knew something was dreadfully wrong.

"Sorry… so sorry…"

Dean kneeled in front of Sam, gently placing his hands on Sam's shaking shoulders. Sam leaned slightly into his brother's touch but otherwise remained unchanged. _Oh god…_ _How did I let this happen?_ Dean knew he was being distant. He did it on purpose. Anything to get rid of the raging emotions after the revelation of his father's demise. But he didn't think he distanced himself so much that he could let Sam withdraw without him noticing.

Apparently he was wrong.

Dean lowered himself into the grass, pulling Sam close to him. Sam's sobs ripped through his body violently, leaving him with slight spasms and gasping for air. Dean calmly pulled Sam close, soothingly rubbing his back. "Shh… Deep breaths, Sam. In and out… It's okay, Sammy. I'm here, I'm here…" After what seemed like an eternity, Sam's sobs started ebb away. His body started to relax and his breathing started to return to normal. _God Sammy I'm so sorry…_

* * *

A pair of arms incased in me in a warm, safe cocoon. I heard a barely audible voice that automatically made my body relax and my sobs subside. My hysteria calmed down and my awareness returned. I started to recognize the smell of old leather and the soothing voice.

_Dean…_

"Sammy? Can you hear my now?" worry clearly laced in his voice.

I didn't know why my brother was cradling me, talking to me, _touching_ me… But I cried in relief. Maybe he wasn't leaving after all. I steeled myself; ready this time, to make sure Dean stayed. _I won't screw up… He can't leave me… I won't let him! I'll make sure that he won't leave me… No matter what!_

I the time, my hysteria started to flare up again, and I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck and burrowing deeper into his embrace. _If I keep a hold of him, he won't leave me._ "Sorry," I mumbled. "Won't screw up… I'll be good…"

"Oh God, Sam… I'm so sorry! I promise, I'm going to fix this."

I furrowed my brow in confusion. _What exactly did he want to fix?_

We drove back to the motel in silence. I was curled against Dean's side, firmly refusing to let my contact break with him. While we were packing and getting in the car I kept a hold on the back of his jacket. My grip became tighter as time passed and I realized he wasn't going to tell me to get my filthy hands off him. He didn't complain, or look at me annoyed… he just let me grip his jacket so tight, I was sure I was pinching his skin.

When we arrived at the motel, my fists still curled tightly in his jacket, Dean led me out of the car and into the motel room. He walked slowly, constantly murmuring in a soothing tone. I didn't hear what exactly he said. I _refused_ to hear what he had to say in case it was just rejection. When Dean dropped the weapons on the table, he twisted around and gently dislodged my fingers. I didn't panic because he still held my hands between his own. Although I started to trembled harder at the intimate touch. _Dirty little boy…_ But, for a moment I had a fleeting thought… _Maybe he really doesn't want to leave me… physically or mentally._

Dean rubbed my hands, murmuring something about the cold. After Dean seemed satisfied he rubbed his hands up my arms until they rested on my shoulders. "Sam, look at me." I internally panicked and shook my head. I may have been starting to understand that I had MY Dean back for good this time, but I still didn't want to contaminate my brother in anyway. Which is why I didn't want to touch his skin with mine.

"Sam. Look. At. Me."

I shook my head vehemently. "No," I whispered. I heard Dean sigh. He guided me to my bed and sat next to be. He kept one hand on my shoulder and I kept my gaze at the space between me and the floor.

"Why won't you look at me?"

My trembling became harder. I couldn't tell him. Not when I just got him back. I shook my head again, not trusting myself to open my mouth.

"God, Sammy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I did this to you…"

I temporarily froze, shocked at hearing my brother blaming himself. I shook my head harder. It wasn't Dean's fault. I was purely mine. I was, am, selfish and tainted. I curled in on myself slightly to further protect my brother from myself.

"It is, Sam. It is entirely my fault. If you think you're helping me right now by cutting yourself off from me then you're wrong. Now granted, I'm not going to just take my heart out and wear it on my sleeve but… it was wrong of me to ignore you and your feelings and…" Dean sighed at loss for words. Most likely since he wasn't comfortable in enforced chick flicks.

Silent tears rolled down my face at my brother's words. Still confused, but more assured, "I…"

"Sammy?"

"I'm…" I attempted to swallow back my tears. "I'm scared."

Dean scoffed, slightly amused. "Well, that much I got. My question is why? Somehow, I know it's not just about dad."

I took a deeper breath as the oxygen seemed to be stolen out of my lungs. "I… I just…"

I felt Dean's hand squeeze my shoulder reassuringly. "Just what?"

"Don't wanna be alone," I whispered, hating how much I sounded like a child.

"Sammy… you're not alone. I'm right here."

"You… You said…"

I could feel the confusion radiating off of Dean, confusion at the scenario that I was suggesting. Which in turn confused me. _He knows what he said…_

That's when it hit me. What if he didn't say all of that? What if…? _Oh god…_

I slowly turned towards my brother and even more slowly raised my head. When I met his eyes, I only found worry and, as sappy as it sounds, love.

I practically leapt into my brother's chest, wrapping my arms around his chest tightly, this time not out of desperation, but out of relief.

"Omph! Sammy?" Dean hugged me tightly in return. "Sammy, what's going on?"

I cried in sheer relieve. I know. I _know_ now that Dean won't leave me. He didn't _want_ to leave me. No matter what, he was here to stay. "I understand now."

"Good," Dean said. "Because I sure the hell don't."

I chuckled and told him everything. Safe in my brother's arms, I told Dean about the nightmares, about why I acted the way I did. I told him what I though he said. The only thing I didn't tell him was about the yellow eyes. It didn't seem all that important and for some reason… it didn't feel right to tell him.

"Sam," Dean said after I had finished. "You know you're not… dirty… for what you saw, right?" I shifted my gaze downwards, slightly ashamed. "No, Sammy, look at me." I immediately complied. Dean placed his rough, callused hands gently on either side of my face, making sure our gaze didn't break. "You are _not_ dirty, or wrong, for what you saw. You saw a horrible act that for the life of me I wished I could have spared you from. But you are _not_, I repeat_ not_, dirty." Dean's gaze never wavered and I found myself slowly shaking my head. After all, if Dean says so, it must be true. I know he would never lie to me.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"If you didn't say all that stuff before… what the hell did?"

"I don't know, Sammy."

"Why did I even _see_ dad's death!?" I sat up immediately craving my brother's warmth but needing to act out my agitation. "Why the hell is this happening to me!?

"I don't know, Sam. But we'll figure it out, okay? We face the unexplainable every single day, this is just another thing."

"No. It's never been _us_. It's never been in the family like this… Tell the truth, you can't tell me this doesn't freak you out!"

Dean just looked at me. Then, "You're right. This does freak me out. Mostly because of how it's effecting you." He placed his hand on my shoulder again. "But don't worry. We'll figure this out. And I promise… hey look at me. I will not shut you out again. But, in case I do, which I won't, you have full permission to kick me in the ass." I smiled. And after a moment, I nodded.

"Good. Now let's do some research on premonitions and disembodied voices."

"Umm… Dean?"

"Yeah, Sam?"

"It's three o'clock in the morning."

"Oh. Right. Okay then. Let's get some sleep."

* * *

_I was in the void again. Darkness smothered me like a thick blanket of muck. It made me blink in and out of existence…_

"_So you figured it out."_

_If my body existed, I would have spun around, seeking the source of the voice. "Who…?"_

"_You know who." The yellow eyes flashed into existence. Before even my terror sunk in, it disappeared leaving me alone in the black. "And you know… just because _Dean_didn't say those things, doesn't make them any less true."_

_Instead of fear, I felt something else flare in myself. Anger. "Oh don't try to convince me that Dean hates me! I know he doesn't, hasn't, even _thought _those things about me!"_

"_Yes, yes, Dean thinks the world of you," the voice said distractedly. "But that doesn't sway my point. Which is those things I whispered into your ear are true. Well, not the whole Dean-wants-you-gone shpeel but… you are a pathetic, dirty, little brat."_

_Determined to prove him wrong, but not knowing how, I changed the subject. "Why are you doing this?"_

"_Lots of reasons. Most of which I'm not going to tell you but... I will tell you this…"_

_The void was gone replaced by a barbwire fence in between two fields. _Oh god… _I cried out as something grabbed my arms and pinned me to the ground. I looked up fearfully at the man with the yellow eyes. He used his entire body to pin mine. His face was so close I could smell the blood in his breath._

"_Your father was a pain in the ass for years…" He laughed at my pitiful struggles. "It was time to punish and to finish him ff once and for all."_

"_Why?" I managed to say past my terror-stricken throat._

"_I just told you. Well, that and it was fun." He brought his head down and kissed me on the lips. A hard, brutal, and violent kiss; not gentle or loving. A show of power that left my lips broken and bleeding. "I wonder… when I finally make my move, will you be just as much fun? My guess is that you'll be even more entertaining." He pressed his body hard against mine, effectively keeping me pinned. I felt his hands kneading my skin, working their way down my torso._

"_N-no, please… d-don't…!"_

_The Yellow-Eyed Man laughed. "See? Pitiful…" His hands slid under my boxers, making me struggle fruitlessly harder. "Dirty…" He started to_ play_ with me. I wanted to vomit as my body reacted to the molestation. "Little, brat!"_

"NO!" I screamed.

"Sammy! Sammy, wake up!"

"No! No, no, no, no, please! Ple-ease!" I knew my eyes were open, I could hear my brother's voice, but I was still under the assault. The Yellow-Eyed Man had me locked in his gaze. I hit him, I tried to buck him off but with each passing second, he squeezed and molested harder making my stomach roll and my tears intensify. He grabbed the hem of my boxers with his free hand and started to slide them down. "No! No, please! _DEAN_!"

"SAM!"

I snapped into reality with a frightened gasp. Dean was leaned over me, holding my arms firmly to my sides. I shook violently under his grip. Tears streamed down my face unheeded. I just stared straight into Dean's bright emerald eyes. I lost myself in them and for a minute, nothing but Dean and I existed. No pain, no past, no nightmares… just us.

* * *

**Well... please review and let me know how I did! This dragon's hungry!  
**


	6. Inside Of Me

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**WARNING: this chapter is a bit dark especially towards the end**

**It's been a bit longer than usual between updates, but I hope this chapter is worth it :) **

**Enjoy chapter 6!**

* * *

All too soon, Dean blinked and everything cam crashing back down. I was hyperventilating and shaking hard. I started to sob at the memory of the assault.

"Shh…" Dean was rubbing my arms slowly, trying to calm me down. "It's okay Sammy… It was just a nightmare."

I quickly shook my head, making my vision sway. _No, it wasn't a nightmare. It was real, too real._ I sobbed harder at my inability to speak.

"Shh… Sammy, breathe. Deep breaths…"

"N-no, w-what are w-we do-doing…?"

Dean frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Here… W-what're w-we do-d-doing? We… w-we shouldn't…"

"Sam you're not making any sense…"

What _were_ they doing there? Trying to find the thing that killed dad… the Yellow-Eyed Man…

**Pathetic, dirty, little boy.**

I let a strangled sob loose. I brought my hands up to my face in a lame attempt to hide myself. "Oh god," I whimpered.

"Sam, you need to calm down. Okay, just breathe…"

_Breathe? I'm tainted. Truly tainted now. Something unnatural saw me as a plaything and used me like one. What right do _I _have to breathe same air as other people… as my brother? _"N-no… c-can't nooo…." I moaned.

Dean grabbed my head between his hands "Okay, just look at me. No, no, just look at me." His cool hands cradled my head gently, soothing my trembles. Dean looked straight into my eyes and didn't waver until my tears stopped and my breathing went back to normal. Dean then, sat up while helping me into sitting position. "You okay now, kiddo?"

I nodded, still unsure.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I shook my head again. "It's okay. Just a nightmare."

* * *

I didn't really know why I didn't tell Dean. In truth, I wanted to. I wanted to pour my whole heart out to him, partially because Dean rarely encouraged 'talking.' But mostly, I wanted Dean to tell me that it was all going to be okay. That he was going to figure it out and fix me. But I didn't. I don't know why. I just didn't.

We went out for breakfast (as much as Dean ordered, I barely ate anything) and then went straight to the library. Dean used the computer while I hit the books. We looked for everything dealing with visions, nightmares, and voices. Our results were hallucinations, schizophrenia, and the effects of a traumatic experience.

"Some children," Dena explained, "Get psychic tendencies after they see or are a part of some… traumatic event."

"But… Dad died after I had the… vision or whatever."

"Yeah but…"

"But what?"

"Well, our entire lives are… pretty traumatic. I mean, how many kids have seen and hunted the things we have?"

"But if that's true, why aren't you seeing… hearing thins?"

"I don't know, Sammy. I mean, it's just a theory. I could be something else entirely."

I looked down at my own notes. I wasn't, truthfully, doing research on visions per se. I was looking for yellow-eyed creatures that could mimic or pass as a human. So far, I've come up with nothing. With all the information I've got, it sounds like a demon, but I've never heard of a demon with yellow eyes before… And even so, what interest could it possibly have with me? Was it further revenge against my father? In fact, was my dad really hunting him? If so why didn't dad ever tell us? He told us everything…

My stomach clenched. Dad told us everything except what he thought killed mom.

"Sam?"

I snapped out of my reverie. "Huh?"

"I said, are you hungry or do you wanna keep researching?"

"Uh… I'm not really hungry but I am tired…"

"Alright, we'll get some R&R at the motel and eat later."

"Okay."

"Are you feeling okay, Sammy?"

"Yeah. Like I said, just tired."

I could tell Dean didn't believe me, but he didn't push it.

The drive back was spent in comfortable silence. I couldn't help but smile inwardly at Dean giving worried glances constantly my way. I felt awful for making him worried but happy that he _was_ worried.

When we arrived back at the motel, Dean almost immediately collapsed on the bed. I wished I could have followed suit, because damn, I was exhausted. But I was also afraid. What would happen if I couldn't wake up next time? I shuddered. It really was a simple matter of wanting sleep, or wanting to get… violated. So I surfed n my laptop. Though, I probably spent more time watching my brother sleep.

I always loved watching Dean sleep. He always looked so peaceful and innocent in sleep. Like a small, yet large child. I felt my own stress and tenseness melt away. The constant knot in my stomach loosened as I absorbed Dean's childish features.

I sighed as I got off my bead and curled next to Dean, causing him to moan into wakefulness.

"You okay, kiddo?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

"It's alright." I buried my face into the nape of his neck, curling under Dean's protective arms. "Hey, kiddo?"

"Mmm?"

"I know you're keeping something from me… you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Right."

"And you know I would prefer it if you'd tell me instead of trying to deal with things on your own."

I knew that. I knew it all too well. And really, I don't know why I haven't told him yet. Why am I keeping secrets from him? Isn't that why we got so… distant from each other in the first place?

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

**Tell him and he'll meet the same fate as your father.**

I froze. _Oh god…_

"Sammy?"

"Wh… I… I-I forgot." I felt Dean's body shift a little and I knew that he was disappointed. "Sorry," I tried to amend.

"Really, Sam," Dean said softly, "If you tell me I can help."

**And then you'll be all alone with me!**

I started to shake. "No…"

"Sammy?" Dean hugged me tighter. "Sammy, what's wrong!?"

**I know everything you do so don't think you can use some sort of code. I 'm **_**inside**_** you and you won't get rid of me!**

I jumped out of bed, out of Dean's safe embrace and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me before heaving into the sink.

"Sam!?" Dean was pounding on the door. "Sammy! What's wrong!?"

_Oh god! What is he? Why's he doing this!?_

The pounding got louder and more desperate. "Dammit, Sam! Unlock the door right now or so help me…!"

_Inside me._ _He said he was inside of me. Oh god, I gotta get him out!_ I looked frantically around the bathroom for an idea. Desperately, I turned the shower on as hot as it would go.

"Sammy?!"

"I-I'm fine!" I quickly stripped off all my clothes and stepped into the scalding water.

"Sam, open the door!"

"I'm in the shower! Fine! Perfectly fine!" I grabbed the washcloth and rubbed my skin raw. Every few seconds I heard a loud thump against the door. In between I heard my brother's frantic, worried shouts.

**You can't get rid of me. I'll always be a part of you.**

The shower being a failure, I looked around the bathroom for another idea. Not bothering to dry off or put my clothes back on, I pulled out the drawers and dumped everything out.

"Sonova…" Dean's attempts to kick the door down were a complete failure.

"I-I'm fine, Dean! Really!"

"Then open the damn door!"

I looked around on the counter, knocking things out of the way in case they were blocking something. That's when I spotted Dean's shoving cream.

Then it hit me.

Dean's razor.

I looked through the medicine cabinet until I found my quarry. I quickly popped the blade out. I stared at the blade for a moment. Everything else was blocked out. The pounding, my brother's shouts were muted. The bathroom gone, leaving me and the blade.

**I'm inside of you.**

I brought the blade down and started slicing.

* * *

**See? Pretty dark. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! I hope you enjoyed enough to review... hint hint  
**


	7. Not Just Me

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**TOMORROW'S THE NEXT EP OF SUPERNTURAL! And I FINALLY got season three, so guess what I'm doing this weekend ;P**

**_BTW_! I have no medical knowledge so most of the medical stuff in this chapter is guess work...**

**Enjoy chapter seven!**

* * *

_BAM!_

_BAM!_

_BAM!_

_Crash!_

Dean rushed into the bathroom. "Sam!?" He turned around at the soft sobbing noise inside the shower stall. Dean quickly pulled away the curtain.

His heart shattered at the sight.

Sam was curled tightly into the corner of the shower. His skin was bright red as if burned and his arms and chest were covered in dozens of weeping cuts. A bloody blade was clutched in his hand; Sam sat in a small pool of blood.

"Sam!" Dean grabbed a towel and pressed it to Sam's left forearm, the worse of the two arms. "Sammy, what happened?!"

* * *

**Don't tell him anything.**

Tears streamed down my face as a feeling of complete failure washed over me. _I can't get rid of him… I can't get him out…_ I didn't feel the pain and the amount of blood leaking out of my arms didn't register. All I knew was that _he_ was still inside of me. The blade fell from my limp hands with a small 'clink.'

Pressure on my arm elected a small gasp of pain as reality set back in,

"Sammy, what happened!?"

I just shook my head in response, the Yellow Eyed Man's warning echoing through my head.

"Sam, this is bad! This… it's _beyond_ bad!"

"'M sorry…"

"Just tell me what happened." Dean got up and quickly grabbed the first aid kit.

"Nooo…" My head started to spin and pound as my brother kept tilting side, to side, to side, to side…

"Sammy?" His voice was garbled and thick sounding. "Sammy, stay with me!"

"T-tired…" My vision went unfocused and I lost sight of my brother.

"Dammit!"

* * *

The first think I was aware of was the rhythmic beeping I knew all too well. _The hospital… well that's what you get for cutting yourself up! God! What was I _thinking_!?_

With great effort I managed to open my eyes. Everything was blurry and the stark bright light shot a spike of pain through my head. I quickly shut my eyes again with a pained moan.

"Sammy?"

I turned my head towards the voice, keeping my eyes shut. "Bright," I managed to croak out. My voice was gravely and rough. I heard Dena get up and flip the lights off. I attempted to open my eyes again. The room was much darker and easier for my eyes to adjust to.

"Better?" I nodded. I sighed and tried to lift my arms to inspect them in a twisted want and morbid curiosity… to find that I couldn't. I froze. I quickly looked down to see soft restraints around my wrists and ankles. _Oh god…_ I started to hyperventilate.

"Sam, calm down!"

"G-get these things off me!" I pulled and yanked desperately trying to get them off.

Dean leaned over and grabbed my shoulders, trying to pin my body down. "Sam! You have to calm down! You're going to open your stitches!"

"No! No, not again, please!" I cried as the memories of being buried with an angry spirit attacked my psyche.

"What's going on?" a female voice asked. "Oh my word…! Dr. McBranton!"

I felt a sudden tug at my wrists. "It's okay Sammy! Just one moment…" Within a few seconds Dean had undone the restraints and pulled me into sitting position. I grabbed his shirt and pulled myself into his chest. I cried hard as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. "It's okay, now, Sammy…"

"I'm a good boy, right?"

I felt Dean stiffen a little as I'm sure he remembered of my burial all too well.

_Dean frantically shoveled the soft earth while his father dealt with the body of Eliza Brawn, a convicted felon of sexual abuse on children. The mere thought of his eight your old brother trapped with a violent spirit lie that spurred him to dig faster._

_After twenty agonizing long minutes Dean's shoved hit a pine box. Dean quickly wiped the dirt away and carefully wedged the shovel between the timbers and broke it open. He broke of the rest of the lid and gasped at the sight before him._

_Sam was curled into a tiny ball in the corner of the coffin. Tears silently leaked out of his eyes which were wide and unseeing, darting back and forth looking for an attacker. Dean's stomach dropped at the sight of Sam's bloody hands. His baby brother had tried to claw his way out._

_Dean bent down and carried Sam out of the grave. He sat at the edge of the graveyard, slowly rocking Sam's trembling, non-responsive body. "Shh… It's okay now. You're safe now. She's gone…" He continued to murmur reassurances as his dad drove up to him. John bent down and scooped Sam out of Dean's arms. Almost immediately, Sam started to sob and struggle against John's hold. Dean quickly jumped up and placed a hand on Sam's arm, which seemed to placate him a little. Dean jumped into the car while John quickly placed Sam in Dean's lap. Dean resumed rocking and murmuring reassurances to his traumatized brother. Sam's sobs subsided and he returned to his catatonic state._

"_It's okay, I'm here, Dad's here, She's gone, okay…?"_

_At some point during the two-hour drive back to the motel, Sam wrapped his too skinny arms around Dean's neck. "Dean…" It came out as a soft, desperate plea that Dean immediately answered. "Shh, Sammy… It's okay. I'm here, I'm here…."_

"'_M a go-od bo-ee, ri-ight?"_

_Dean froze for a second, a spike of anger towards Eliza shooting through him. Dean rubbed Sam's back soothingly. "Oh god, Sammy 'Course you are! Don't pay attention to anything that evil bitch said!" Sam buried his head into Dean's neck. His breathing was wet sounding from crying and labored from being trapped in an oxygen deprived box. But none of that mattered now. Dean was here and Sam was safe._"

"'Course you are, Sam. 'Course you are, Sammy…"

By the time the doctor ran in, I had calmed down and was lying back in bed. "Who authorized those to be removed?" he asked pointing to the restraints.

"No one," Dean responded curtly. "I told you before, Sam has extreme claustrophobia and that he would panic if he woke up in restraints!"

The doctor sighed. "Mr. Winchester, can you please step outside with me?"

"Anything you say to me can be said to my brother as well."

Clearly annoyed, the doctor sighed again. "I don't think Sam…"

"I wanna hear," I said.

"Fine. First off, from what I've heard and know, you're suffering from depression and possible posttraumatic stress from the death of your father and because you received no psychological heal, have become suicidal." The doctor was cold and said everything with no infliction or care at all. "We need to keep you under suicide watch for at least 48 hours. I will allow the restraints to stay off _IF_ you cooperate and no further incidents occur.

"We have a morphine drip hooked up to you to help you with the pain and… you brother here is giving you blood. You had extreme blood loss when you came in and despite the immediate blood transfusions, you did go into cardiac arrest." I felt myself pale. "But we resuscitated you without any problem and it seems that you have suffered no lasting effects. You may experience some dizziness, headaches, vomiting, and trouble concentrating which is all to be expected after that much blood loss. Overall you're very luck to be alive now.

"Now I'd like to assign a counselor to you… no, don't give me any of that 'Don't need one' crap. I'm assigning one for you're best interest, Sam. If he or she feels you are no longer a danger to yourself or others you will be allowed to leave, assuming there are no relapses. Any questions?"

_Yeah, how far up your ass is that stick?_ I could practically _hear_ Dean thinking it.

"How long does Sam have to see the counselor?" Dean asked with clear distaste for both the man and the idea in his voice.

"Until that counselor sees Sam as safe to everyone, including himself, in the public domain, as I said before."

I shifted in the bed uncomfortable before asking, "When's my first appointment with the counselor?" hoping it wasn't in the near future.

"As soon as I make an appointment for you. Most likely later today." The doctor looked down at his charts as he continued to say, "Is that all? Yes? Good," and left without another glance.

"What a prick," Dean murmured, making me smile. Dean brought up his chair to the bed with a serious look on his face. "Sam…"

"No."

"Sam, you have to tell me what happened."

"No."

Dean gave an exasperated sigh. "Why not!? My god, why would you do something so stupid!?"

I shrugged and looked away.

Dean sighed again. "Was it more voices?" I shook my head hard making my head spin painfully. (Though truthfully, I was a little surprised how spot on Dean's first guess was.)

"Nightmares?" I shook my head again, slower this time.

"Then… was that whack job of a doctor right? Is it… about dad?"

I cried in response and frustration. It was al I could do. My desire to tell Dean everything and my fear of losing him like dad clashed in a painful inner war. I felt Dean wrap his hand around mine. "God Sammy…" The mere tone of his voice made me turn my head to face him. I was caught by surprise when I saw tears streaming down his face. He gave my head a squeeze. "I thought I lost you."

I was devastated at the realization that if I had gone too much further with my attempt to rid myself of the Yellow Eyed Man, I would have left Dean. Alone. Just after Dean (sort of) recovered from dad's death… the very same thing I feared so greatly came very close to becoming a reality for Dean. How could I do that to him? What kind of brother was I?

I cast my eyes downward in shame. "'M sorry. So sorry!"

Dean used his free hand to tilt my head upwards to make our eyes meet. "Yes, you scared me. I admit you scared the hell out of me. I… I just wish you'd tell me what's going on with you."

I shook my head again. "I can't."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

* * *

**Well...? Please review and tell me all the stuff your thinking, good, bad, bored, horrifyingly bad, excellent, etc!  
**


	8. Utter Loneliless

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**You all need to keep in mind, that this town is run-down, bottom of the heap. There's a reason John didn't take the boys with him. Just keep that in mind when you read the people's actions...  
**

**_BTW_! I have no medical knowledge so most of the medical stuff in this chapter is guess work...**

**Enjoy chapter eight!**

* * *

I expected Dean to be annoyed or frustrated with me. But his facial expression seemed to show only concern and reluctant acceptance.

Dean chuckled. "Now what are we going to do about this counselor?"

I shrugged. "Tell him I'm just upset with dad's death and…" I shifted a little, feeling awkward. "'I just couldn't take it anymore?'" I laughed nervously.

Dean brought his hand up and wiped it down over his mouth, a sure sign he was in serious thought. "So, it wasn't about dad? I mean, really?"

I shook my head. "Please, just don't ask me anymore." Dean nodded, but I knew it would only be a temporary promise.

"Well… If it's something natural…" Dean took a deep breath, clearly not happy that I wouldn't tell him the real reason. "I think you _should_ talk to the counselor anyway. Even if you don't want to tell… me."

I shook my head again. "No, if I have anything to tell, you'll be the first to know."

Right then a man, probably in his early thirties knocked the door. "Samuel Winchester."

"Yes…" _That didn't take long. 'Later today' my ass!_

"That was quick," Dean grumbled.

"I'm Dr. Anderson and I'll be your counselor." He had a creepily sweet smile that made me feel very uncomfortable.

"Does he have to do this now?" Dean asked, clearly not liking the man. "My brother just woke up from the surgery and I'm sure he's tired…"

"I'll make this quick then. Please leave us, Mr. Winchester."

"Hell, no!"

"Mr. Winchester, this will be a private meeting with your brother…"

"I'm his legal guardian and I have the right…"

"Regardless of what role you play in young Samuel's life, this session is to be conducted without… outside influences."

Dean glared at him for a moment before slowly turning to me and saying, "I'll be right outside." I nodded feeling a little uncomfortable at the prospect of being alone with Dr. Anderson. As soon as Dean shut the door behind him, Dr. Anderson pulled up the chair Dean had been sitting in and sat uncomfortably close to my bed. "Samuel…"

"Sam."

"Sam, can you tell me why you choose to cut yourself?"

"I… Well, my father passed, rather violently recently and…" I thought back to all the stories I had read with characters that cut themselves. I thought about the author's reasoning for their behavior. "It was… a release."

"A release from what?"

"Everything… It… it just felt right."

I could tell he didn't fully believe me. We sat in silence as Dr. Anderson wrote a few more notes down on his clipboard. "Alright let's talk about your father. What was he like?"

"He was… strict. Stubborn. He was a marine so he kinda raised us with an iron fist." I laughed a little. "Bt he loved us both and did everything he could to take care of us."

"Yes," Dr. Anderson said uncaring, "and your family moved around a lot, correct?"

"Yeah, dad had trouble keeping a steady job so…"

"How did he die?"

I just looked at him. _He can't possible expect me to _talk_ about…?_ "Do I have to discuss this?"

"If this was the reason for you to go suicidal then yes…"

"I wasn't trying to commit suicide!" _Oops._

Dr. Anderson gave me a strange look. "Then why were you cutting yourself?"

"I-I told you… I-it just felt right…"

Dr. Anderson sighed. "Tell me about your brother."

I gave him a look. "What does my brother have to do with this?"

"Do you love him?"

"What?! Of course I do!"

"Why didn't he send you to counseling? After your father's demise you obviously need it."

"If he did I would have just fought him tooth and nail because I don't NEED counseling!" I said with no subtlety. "And he knows it."

"Mm hmm…" Back to that infuriating scribbling. I had a bad feeling in my stomach about what he was writing and added, "Dean's taken care of me my entire life. When my dad worked late, or even for a couple days away, Dean took care of me. I'm better off with him then without.

"Mmm… Okay so why did you cut yourself?"

"Oh my god, I told you! It was… It just felt right."

Dr. Anderson sighed, making his final notes on his clipboard. "Alright, that's good for today. I'll see you later, Samuel."

"Sam." I mumbled as he left the room. Dean immediately came back in and sat next to me. He grabbed my hand and started rubbing the back of it with his thumb. That's when I realized I was trembling.

"What'd he ask you?"

"The obvious."

"What'd you say?"

"That it was about dad and that it felt like the right thing to do. And no" I said off Dean's look. "That's not the real reason at all."

Dean nodded and looked towards the door. "Something doesn't sit right with me about him…"

"Something doesn't sit right with me about this whole town. They all make me feel really uncomfortable." I shifted a little trying to find a more comfortable position and suddenly very grateful for the existence of morphine. "So when we busting out?"

"We're not."

I looked at Dean, not quite sure I heard right. "We're not?"

Dean sighed. "Partially because you won't tell me and partially because these doctors did save your life, despite being asses. I think it'd be safer for you to stay here."

I stared at Dean incredulously. "You can't be serious…"

"Godammit Sam, you almost killed yourself! Now where it was intentional or not, I think you should stay here!" Dean took a deep breath. "I don't want to lose you."

I nodded in understanding but still had a bad feeling in my gut…

--

Later that evening a nurse came in telling him that visiting hours were over.

"Hell with that! I'm staying here!"

"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "But rules are rules and if you don't leave I'm going to have to call security."

Dean gave a frustrated sigh, but nodded and got up to leave. I looked up at him, silently pleading him to somehow stay, even though I knew it was impossible. Dean leaned forward and gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. "I'll be back in the morning." I smiled but I'm sure it came out more as a grimace.

"Don't worry," Dean assured. He leaned forward and whispered, "I've taken necessary precautions." He placed something just under my blanket. "I'm not leaving you." When Dean straightened back up, I noticed that something seemed different about him. Like something was missing… "See ya in the morning, Sammy." Dean reluctantly left leaving me alone in the dark hospital room. I reached under the blanket and pulled out an amulet on a string. No, not just an amulet. Dean's amulet.

I caressed the amulet between my hands, allowing myself to absorb the little of Dean's presence remained. Both the metal and the string were still warm from being worn for almost six years…

Letting silent tears loose, I put the necklace over my head. Keeping the amulet gripped tightly in my fist, I curled under the blankets and fell to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to the nurse checking my vitals.

"What time is it?" I asked groggily.

--

"About 9:30 in the morning."

That woke me up completely. Visiting hours start at eight. "Where's my brother?!"

"Who, dear?"

"Dean Winchester!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I don't have any idea who you're talking about." She turned to leave the room.

"My brother!" I sat up and hissed in pain as my body acknowledge all the cuts I had inflicted on myself. _Guess the morphine ran out…_

"Settle down, Samuel." Dr. Anderson and a woman walked in. I looked up and glared at him. Ignoring my look he motioned the woman. "This is…"

"Mrs. Plecki," the woman said offering her hand. I just stared at it. I brought my hand up to grip the amulet tightly, drawing the little reassurance it gave. "Where's my brother?"

Dr. Anderson huffed in annoyance. "After the evaluation I believe that Dean is not fit as guardian. When the judge looked at all the evidence he agreed and quickly turned your guardianship over to the state."

My whole world fell out from under me. The amulet seemed to go cold under my hand.

"In addition, seeing Dean's attitude and actions, I have ordered a restraining order. He, on no grounds is allowed anywhere near you.

Pushing my tears back, I put on an angry persona. "On what grounds do you have to remove his guardianship!?" I yelled, sounding a lot less terrified than I felt.

"Dean's education is minimal," Mrs. Plecki said. "His lifestyle clearly reflects his father's which was very unstable and not healthy for a child…"

I gripped the amulet tighter. _Dean's not gone, still here, still here… _"I'm fourteen years old! I have a right to choose my guardian…!"

"Unless the state sees the guardian as unsuited for the job," she finished sternly. "And seeing at what he let happen…" she looked down at my wrists.

"Kids try to commit suicide under regular parents' radar all the time!"

"Enough!" Dr. Anderson yelled. "The point is… that as soon as you are better, Samuel, you will go into foster care until they find a family willing to take you in…"

I furiously wiped my wayward tears away. "I'm not fucking going to let you!"

"… In the meantime, the hospital has responsibility over you. Meaning all medical decisions are made solely by your doctor. Dr. Wheeler is no longer you primary doctor. That role belongs to me now." He stepped up with a syringe and inserted it into the IV drip. I gasped as a cold sensation washed over me. "W-what…?"

"A sedative," Dr. Anderson said. After a few moments, he walked up and grabbed my arms. I stared in horror as he put the restraints over my wrists. "No!" I struggled against his hold, but as the sedative took hold, my struggles became futile. I sobbed as the restraints were tightened, keeping me immobile in the bed. "N-no… please…"

"This is for your own safety, Samuel." Dr. Anderson looked down at my chest. Giving another annoyed huff, he grabbed Dean's amulet and yanked it off. "This is potentially dangerous, Samuel. I can't allow you to keep it." He stuffed it into his pocket turned and left the room Mrs. Plecki following suit.

I sobbed as complete and utter loneliness took a hold of me. They took Dean's amulet away. They took the remaining of Dean away from me… _'A restraining order... on no grounds is he allowed anywhere near you.' _I'm never going to see my brother again. They sent him away and now I'm going to go into some stranger's home... My vision darkened and my awareness faded. I continued to struggle futilely against the restraints. _Still have to be able to defend myself… What if Eliza come for me? What if the Yellow-Eyed Man comes for me again?_

"D-de-an…" I wept.

* * *

**Well...? I'm a little uncertain about the events of this chapter so please tell me all of your thoughts! :)  
**


	9. Dean's Indiscretion

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**OMG! last night's ep was awesome! It's on MegaVideo for people who wanna see it! It was HILARIOUS! and Jensen had way too much fun at the end!  
**

_**PLEASE READ FIRST!!**_** This chapter contains nondescript torture. It's not for the squeamish. The next few chapters are going to be told from mostly Dean's POV because Sam won't really be able to have coherent thoughts realistically. Also, during the end, things get a bit confusing. If it's too confusing, please let me know and I'll edit it.  
**

**Enjoy chapter nine!**

* * *

Dean was livid. He came to the hospital to find that the state had removed his guardianship and had issued a _restraining order_ against him!

Dean paced in the motel room. _Sam's going to be terrified… What if Sam has another nightmare? _He froze as he imagined the worst. _What if they put the restraints back on? Oh god, what if they think he's crazy enough to put a straitjacket on!? I don't think he'd be able to survive that!_

Dean pulled out his duffle bag and started packing. "Tonight," He growled, "I'm breaking in and we're getting outta this shit hole!"

--

I struggled. I struggled as hard as my weakened body could in my hysteria. I wanted out. I need to be free. If I was retrained there's no way of getting away. Of warding away an attack. But in the end, it only turned for the worse.

After a long time, I suppose they got tired of my pleas. They drugged me and when I woke up, here was nothing but bright white and the smell of antiseptic. I tensed in fear as I realized a straitjacket was keeping me tightly restrained. A large rubber gag filled my mouth, preventing me from making any sound beyond a whimper. On top of this, the cube-shaped cell was no bigger than ten by ten feet.

Tears ran down my face as the terror took hold. I was restrained in a small cell… anything could happen to me like this! And I'd be unable to stop it. The world swayed and my vision started to blacken as I hyperventilated through my nose. I jerked and pulled at my restraints. But the jacket just got tighter and tighter with each tug. I felt as though it was trying to squeeze the life out of me slowly. I kicked the walls furiously as thought they might fall down if I kick hard enough. Suddenly the walls started to close in on me. I shook my head in panic. _Oh god, stop! Please stop!_ I silently begged. I curled into a corner of the cell, pressing myself in, hoping that the other walls would just go away. But they just got closer and closer… I sobbed desperately trying to think of a way out. But my fear-ridden mind came up with no solution. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the suffocating walls, the straitjacket that continued to tighten around me, and the gag that smothered me without mercy. I tried to float away, I tried to bury myself in memories of Dean and me, but the situation at hand prevented me from doing so. So I merely pushed myself harder into the corner, quietly whimpering for Dean to come and save me.

--

Dr. Anderson watched Sam through the surveillance camera with morbid interest. He smiled as Sam came to and panicked. His heart fluttered excitedly at the pitiful whimpers the boy made. Sam struggled against his bondage with a grazed terror in his eyes. Dr. Anderson laughed to himself. "Sammy, dirty, little thing…" he whispered as his eyes flashed yellow. "Soon, my pet."

--

Dean kept his face down as he walked into the emergency room. Thankfully there were lots of screaming children keeping the nurses occupied. Dean kept a watchful eye as he backed towards the doors and slipped into the back.

He carefully avoided doctors as he made his way towards Sam's room. He would grab him and get the hell out of dodge. They could take refuge at Bobby's place. He'd know what to do and hopefully could figure out what's going on with Sam.

But first thing's first.

Dean got to Sam's room to find it empty. The sheets were replaced and the room reset, ready for a new patient. Dean's stomach did a flip as he imagined where his brother was now. Unfortunately, the psyche ward seemed to be the most likely place. Following the signs he slowly made his way down to the ward.

"Freeze!"

Dean rounded a corner to find himself face-to-face with two security guards pointing pistols at his head. "A hospital that needs packing guards?" Dean questioned.

"It's for precaution." Dean spun around to Dr. Anderson's smug face. "When patients or relatives… break the law."

"You had no right," Dean growled. He slowly worked his hand towards his .45.

Dr. Anderson sighed. With a flick of his wrist, Dean's pistol flew from his Jeans into Dr. Anderson's hand. Dean's eyes widened in shock. "What are you?"

He smiled. Suddenly Dean found himself under the grip of the two guards. Or, technically speaking, demons; if you consider their black eyes.

"You really have no idea what your brother is."

"The hell you talking about?! Where's Sam!?"

"You wanna see him?"

Dean glared at the creature before nodding.

"Alright then. These two will let you go if you promise to behave. Misbehave and see what happens to your brother."

The demons loosened their grip before they were shoved off by Dean. "I understand," Dean said grudgingly. "Now don't touch me."

Dr. Anderson led the way to the surveillance room. He ordered the guard on duty to leave them before closing the door to the room behind them. Dr. Anderson pointed to one of the screens. "Your beloved brother."

Dean stepped up, uncertain on what condition his brother was going to be in.

His stomach dropped at the sight.

He could barely hear the soft keening emitting from the speakers. His baby brother was curled tightly into the corner of the small room. He was strapped into an old yellow straitjacket, a ball gag placed firmly in his mouth. Sam's eyes were wide and unseeing, shining with tears of hysteria.

"Beautiful sight, isn't it?" Dr. Anderson said.

"Get him the fck out of that or so help me god…!"

"You're in no position to be making demands, young man." Dr. Anderson nodded at the two guards who proceeded to grabbing Dean.

"What the…?"

"Now," Dr. Anderson said, "Your brother will have to be punished for you not following your restraining order."

Dean paled. "What are you going to do?" he whispered.

Dr. Anderson smiled as he leaned down and pressed the intercom button. "Five minutes."

Dean looked back at the screen. A few moments later a couple of men entered the room. The screen went black as Dr. Anderson turned it off. "Now listen, Mr. Winchester."

They could hear a small struggle as Sam mewed pitifully. Then for a few seconds there was silence.

_THWACK!_ Dean flinched and Sam screamed against the gag.

_THWACK!_ Dean could hear Sam starting to sob. "Stop it!" Dean yelled.

_THWACK! _Sam made a pitiful grunt before returning to sobbing. "Stop it, goddammit!" Dean screamed.

"This is your brother's punishment…"

_THWACK!_ Grunt. Sob.

"for you indiscretion."

_THWACK!_ Scream. Sob.

"What are you doing to him!?" Dean yelled.

_THWACK!_ Grunt.

"Listen very carefully to me, Dean…"

_THWACK!_ Grunt.

"I've decided that you could help take care of Sam."

_THWACK! _ Whimper.

"It'll be very hard to get Sam to calm down and to eat and drink so…"

_THWACK!_ Whimper.

"I will allow you to stay with him if you behave and help take care of him."

_THWACK! _ Scream. Whimper.

"Why are you doing this?" Dean asked disbelievingly, trying desperately to block out his brother's torture.

_THWACK! _ Grunt.

"That is none of your concern."

_THWACK! _Grunt.

"But understand this, if you misbehave again…"

_THWACK!_ Whimper.

"Then your brother will be punished again, the length doubled."

_ THWACK!_ Whimper.

"For each indiscretion after that, the length is doubled further."

_THWACK! _Whimper.

"Understood?"

_THWACK! _Grunt.

Dean nodded, tears running down his face. He was so cornered. A million thoughts ran through his head. First and foremost, _Why Sam?_

_THWACK! _Whimper.

"I believe you brother has two more minutes remaining."

_THWACK! _ Grunt.

"Oh for god's sake, please stop!" Dean begged. _Please, God! He's been through so much! Don't add to it!_

_THWACK! _Grunt.

Dr. Anderson sighed. "I'll reduce it to one minute."

_THWACK! _Grunt.

Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, Dean shut his eyes and let his tears flow as an agonizing minute went by. The 'thwacks' and his brother's distress filling the room and echoing loudly in Dean's ears.

"That's enough," Dr. Anderson said into the intercom. Dean exhaled in relief as the torture stopped. A few more rustles and Sam's sobs filled the speakers.

Dr. Anderson turned towards Dean. "You will be dressed in patient's clothing then will reside in your brother's cell." Dr. Anderson waved his hand, and the two guards took Dean away.

* * *

**Again, I have uncertainties about this chapter. PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster!  
**


	10. Not Alone

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

_**PLEASE READ FIRST!!**_** This chapter contains torture. It's dark and kinda graphic, so not for the squeamish.**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!  
**

**Enjoy chapter ten!  
**

* * *

"One more thing, Dean."

Dean turned towards Dr. Anderson with a fiery stare. He was already changed and was about to go into Sam's cell. "What?"

"You are not to remove the jacket or the gag. If you do, he shall be punished."

Dean nodded, hating the situation he was in. The guards laughed as they opened the door and threw Dean onto the floor of the cell. He landed with a grunt and he heard the door close and locked behind him. Dean looked up and his heart broke.

Sam lay trembling on his side. His eyes were glassy and unfocused. He was struggling minutely and weakly against the jacket and grunting softly against the gag. Dean almost vomited at the small spots of blood on Sam's hospital pants. Dean crawled to his broken brother and rested a hand on Sam's head and another on his chest. Sam flinched at the contact and started to mew in protest. "Shh… It's okay, Sammy. I'm here." Dean brushed the bangs out of Sam's eyes, running his fingers soothingly down Sam's face. "I gotta check and see what those bastards did to ya, okay?" Dean asked, though he was sure that Sam didn't even hear him, let alone recognize him.

Keeping a hand on Sam's forehead, Dean gingerly pulled Sam's hospital pants down. Sam whimpered at the extra movement. Dean cringed at the noise and finished pulling them down. His eyes widened in horror and he cursed at the sight.

Sam's inner thighs and buttocks were purple from bruising. Angry red lines marked where the torturers had obviously laid a switch down on his brother. There were small, weeping cuts where the switch had broken skin. Tears burned Dean's eyes as he saw the same marks in Sam's groin area and on his penis.

"Fcking sadistic bastards!" Dean's hand hovered over the tortured areas and he could feel the heat radiate off them. When Sam whimpered at the closeness, Dean quickly withdrew his hand. "Sorry, Sammy." Dean checked to make sure none of the cuts needed stitches. Satisfied that none of them did, Dean angrily wiped his tears away as he pulled Sam's pants back up gently, hoping to give his brother some dignity. The sound of the switch and Sam's cries echoed unmercifully in his head with a visual to accompany them now.

"Oh god, Sammy…" Dean lifted Sam's head onto his knee, ignoring Sam's crying protests to the movement and the contact. Sam twisted under the touch, trying desperately to get away from the potential abuser.

"Shh… It's okay Sammy! It's me… it's just me…"

The small window on the door opened. A hand came through holding a water bottle. "Kid's probably dehydrated. You can take the gag off while you're giving it to him."

Dean reluctantly put his brother back on the floor; he got up and retrieved the bottle. "Ten minutes." The man slammed the window shut.

Dean quickly bent down and removed the gag from his brother's mouth. "No…" Sam whimpered. "No, no, no, _no_…"

"Shh…" Dean soothed. He put a hand behind Sam's head and carefully lifted it. "C'mon, Sam. Drink." Dean put the bottle to Sam's lips and Sam started to drink greedily from it. "Whoa, whoa, slowly, man; you don't wanna choke now!" Dean laughed hollowly.

Sam's eyes started to focus on Dean's face as he drank. After most the water was gone, a few tears escaped Sam's eyes as he croaked out, "D-De…"

"Hey!" Dean said softly. "How ya doing, buddy?" he asked trying to sound cheerful.

---

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

The sound echoed in my head, taunting and torturing me.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

I felt the cane hit me again and again and again leaving no room for mercy.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

The men laughed and jeered as they manhandled and molested me.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

One would grab my thigh,

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

Or a buttock,

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

Or my groin,

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

While the other hit me repeatedly.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

I felt myself shudder as they paused in their torture and would lick up the leaking blood. And then they continued.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

Suddenly they stopped, pulled my pants back up, and left. I scooted myself back away from the door, still struggling weakly at my bonds. I heard the door open again and I mentally steeled myself for the next round of abuse. Someone touched my head and chest and I tried to get away, not wanting myself to be degraded any further, but knowing there was little I could do about it.

The person slowly pulled my pants down again and I whimpered a little in protest. I waited for the blows that never happened. I felt a hand draw nearer towards me and was surprised when the hand retreated on hearing my wordless plea.

My pants were pulled back up and the person grabbed my upper body. Thinking that they wanted a different form of torture I tried to squirm away. Instead they held me to their chest tightly. My confusion increased at the amount of affection in the action.

The person then set me back down on the floor and for a few seconds I relaxed. I stilled as the person came back and pulled the gag from my mouth. The relief from the release of strain on my mouth was muted by my increasing fear of a new torture. "No… no, no, no, _no…_" I begged. The person put a hand behind my head and I braced for the worst. I was caught by surprise when my lips hit the cool wetness of a bottle of water. I drank it thirstily, thankful for the gift.

_Wait,_ I thought. I frowned a little at the gentle treatment of the hands and the soft soothing voice that I had started to hear. _I know that voice…_

I started to break free of my fear-induced hysteria and I focused on the face above me. "D-De…"

"Hey!" Dean said softly. "How ya doing, buddy?" he asked trying to sound cheerful.

I cried in relief. _I'm not alone, I'm not alone, I'm not alone!_ "H-here…?"

"Yeah, Sammy. I'm here."

I twisted a little in the jacket looking up at my brother with pleading eyes. "Sc-scared…"

"I know, Sammy…" Dean stroked my hair and I leaned my head into the touch. "But I can't take you out of the jacket. I'm sorry…" he said off my look of horror. "But they'll hurt you if I take you out and I will not be responsible for causing you more pain," he said with infliction.

At the word 'pain,' the recent beating I took made itself known, making me squirm. "A-am I… okay?"

Dean sighed. "As far as I can tell," he said sadly. I could tell he felt guilty about what happened but I didn't know why. There was no way he could have prevented it.

Dean and I both jumped at the banging against the door. "Times up," a brutish voice said. "Gimme the bottle and put the gag back on."

I paled. _No… I just got it out! I wanna talk to my brother!_

"Is that necessary?" Dean asked hesitantly. "I mean, It's not going to make any extra noise or…"

"Do as we say, Winchester, or punishment will be dealt!"

I expected Dean to keep arguing. After all, he never really cared about his own wellbeing over my own. But instead, Dean solemnly handed the guard the empty bottle and slowly grabbed the gag. I shook my head in denial. "No…" I whispered.

I saw tears shine in Dean's eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sammy…" Dean bent over me and gently placed the gag in my mouth. I offered no resistance. I was too terrified to. Somehow, the prospect of having the gag put back in place left me paralyzed in terror. When Dean fastened the gag behind my head, I whimpered a little, my terror taking hold. A few tears fell down Dean's face and he repeated his mantra. "Sorry…" he whispered. "God I'm so sorry…"

Once again I felt rendered completely helpless and vulnerable. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying desperately, once again to float away. But then, Dean lay down behind me and wrapped his arm around me. He held me close to his chest, his warmth and presence chasing away the feeling of vulnerability leaving me with the feeling of being protected.

I let out a sigh. I was safe. Dean was here.

* * *

**Again, I have uncertainties about this chapter. PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!  
**


	11. Assault

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

_**PLEASE READ FIRST!!**_** This chapter contains sexual assault. It's mild and not graphic but still not for the squeamish.**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!  
**

**Enjoy chapter eleven!  
**

* * *

I don't know how long we were there. Days? Weeks? Months? It all blended together. Everyday was the same. Dean would hold me close to him, whispering stories and reassurances constantly, keeping me grounded. Food and water for both of us came at regular intervals. It was the only time I was allowed to have the gag out, but my throat was so scratchy and dry and my mouth was so sore, that I barely talked. The only time Dean wasn't in contact with me was when he was getting the sustenance, or going to the bathroom in the bucket. It's sad that we got used to the odor after a while and didn't even take notice of it.

Dean refused to get up and walk around, even though I knew his body must be stiff and starting to atrophy. I knew it was because he wouldn't be in contact with me if he did. There was no way I could walk around or even stand. The abuse I suffered was painful enough lying down. I couldn't imagine even _attempting_ to sit up. When I went to the bathroom, Dean would hold me up and help me with my pants. Going to the bathroom was sheer torture. It hurt to keep it in, but it hurt more to let it out through my abused penis and anus. It was awkward, Dean holding me up while I relieved myself, but I was too detached to feel shame or embarrassment.

And after every night, right after lights out, Dean would spoon me and I'd give a quiet plea in the form of a small whimper which Dean would answer with, "Shh…Don't worry. We're getting outta here." Even though I knew Dean had no idea how, just hearing the words meant everything to me.

---

The door opened and three men, demons, came in with Dr. Anderson. The 'doctor' nodded at me and said, "Take him."

When the guards went to grab me, Dean scooted back holding me tighter to his chest. "Why?"

Dr. Anderson smiled. "You've been planning to escape. I've heard you every night."

Dean stared at him dumbfounded. "I have no plan!" Dean said in a desperate voice I never head before. "It's just reassurance…!"

"We don't know that." One guard grabbed me while the others grabbed Dean. I scream and sobbed pitifully as they ripped me out of my brother's arms. "Stop it!" Dean yelled. "I swear! I'm not planning anything!"

Dr. Anderson ignored Dean as he nodded again to the guard holding me. I heard him give out a short chuckle as he flung me to the ground. "What are you going to do!?" Dean shouted.

"Quiet! Or we elongate the time!"

There was silence from Dean. Then, Dean, Dr. Anderson, the other guard, the room all disappeared from my reality as the guard that was holding me bent over and pulled down my pants. I whimpered and weakly struggled as he put his face in my groin and started to suck me off.

Tears rolled down freely from my wide, unseeing eyes. My stomach clenched as I grew hard in the demon's mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut and let my mind float.

_"Daddy?"_

_"What is it, Sam?"_

_"What's a 'Mommy'?"_

_John paused in his research. He looked at me sitting on the couch, tv cartoons forgotten. John sighed. He was really not in the mood to think about Mary. Not now, not ever. "Not now, Sam, I'm busy."_

_I pouted, but knew better than to bother my father. I turned the tv off and ran to our room. Dean was sitting on the bed, tapping furiously at his homework. I bounded towards and jumped up next to him. "Dean?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"What's a 'Mommy'?" _

_Dean paused in his tapping a looked at me. "Why do you ask?"_

_"We were making things for Mother's Day at school and I was trying to explain that I don't have a Mommy but everyone kept saying that _everyone_ has a Mommy. Where's ours?"_

_Dean looked at me with sad eyes. "We don't have one, Sammy. We used to but… she's gone now?"_

_"Oh." I was a little disappointed. I wondered who she was and what was she like. So I repeated my question. "What _is_ a 'Mommy'?"_

_Dean sighed. A faint smile appeared as he got lost in memory. "They love you more than anything. They tuck you in at night, tell you stories, and take care of you." Dean gave a small laugh. "Kinda like a guardian angel. You know, except angels don't really exist…" Dean added forlornly._

_I thought about Dean's description. Something didn't add up. "But Dean… You do all that."_

_Dean gave me a surprised look. "What?"_

_"You're the one that tucks me in at night. You tell me stories and its you who takes care of me. And… I think you love me more than anything…"_

_Dean stared at me with a dumbfounded look on his face. "Y-yeah… I guess… But I'm not a mom!"_

_"Well…" I thought about it. "You also tease me, make fun of me, and annoy me… That's how the kids at school describe their brothers."_

_Dean chuckled. "That's because I _am_ your brother, you doofus!" Dean ruffled my hair playfully. _

_I slapped his hand away and fixed my hair. "Yeah… but… can't you be both?"_

_Dean shook his head and proceeded to tapping his homework. "We don't have a mother, Sam. Period."_

_I looked at him long and hard. This was one of those times when I wasn't in full agreement with Dean just because he said. Dean wasn't just a brother. He couldn't be just a brother. All my peers at school hate their older siblings. Their siblings don't do the things Dean did for me… I mean, he definitely acted like a normal sibling but he also acted like a mother should. I started to brainstorm. It was time to make a new category for Dean to go in! Bro-mom… Moth-bro…_

"That's enough," Dr. Anderson said.

The demon gave me a couple more licks before sitting up and pulling my pants up. I lay there -compliant and non-reacting. "I hope you learned your lesson, Dean."

I heard the door open and the demons leave. A few seconds after the door was locked, I was being lifted onto my brother's lap. I looked up and my heart clenched at the sight. Dean's eyes were red and puffy. He had tears streaming down his face unheeded. He had his eyes clamped shut as he held me tight and rocked me back and forth. I wanted to call out to him with a grunt or whimper or something… but my body remained non-responsive. Then I let out a small whimper as I felt the demon's mouth on me again. My legs squirmed to prevent the imaginary attack.

"Shh…" Dean whispered his eyes still shut and his voice thick with tears. "It's okay. I gotcha… I gotcha…

I could _feel_ it. The demon sucking me deeply… The demon grabbing my thighs and pulling them further apart… The demon _playing_ with me with glee in his actions… Tears pooled in my eyes and overflowed with my emotions. _I'm tainted. I'm truly, 100% dirty and tainted. It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a nightmare it was reality._

Dean sniffed and brought his hand up to my face, wiping the tear tracks off my face with a calloused thumb. "Shh… I'm here Sammy, I'm here..."

He bent over and touched his forehead with mine. His voice was barely audible, nothing but a breath.

"I'm so sorry."

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!  
**


	12. Serve and Bonded

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

_**PLEASE READ FIRST!!**_** This chapter contains sexual assault. It's mild and not graphic but still not for the squeamish.**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!  
**

**Enjoy chapter twelve!  
**

* * *

"What do ya mean they disappeared?!" Bobby Singer growled.

"Calm down, Singer…" Caleb said, hands palms-up in the air in a defensive manner.

"Don't tell me to calm down! Their Daddy just died and now their _missing!?_ We need to track them down pronto and make sure they're okay!"

---

We remained in the same position for hours until the man came with the food and water. The window on the door opened with a squeak and a hand thrust itself in. "Come get your grub."

Dean slowly lifted his head to look at the man with broken eyes. I remained limp in my brother's arms. My eyes were glassy and unseeing, the occasional whimper escaping as the assault repeated itself in my mind.

Dean gently lowered me to the ground and got up to retrieve the sustenance. I whimpered louder at the loss of contact…

_He gripped my bruised thighs tightly and pulled them apart painfully. A warm, wet mouth caressed me and I grew hard. I yelped as he bit me hard at the base of my member, to punish me. I trembled involuntarily as he stuck his tongue at the tip of my member and licked up the leaking semen…_

I sobbed and twisted my legs together, but I still felt and remembered every detail. Even if I wasn't 'there' when it happened, my brain retained every last detail.

"Shh, Shh, Shh…" Dean placed the food and water on the floor and picked me up again. He wrapped his arms around me so my back was firmly against his chest. Dean didn't say anything else or make any other noises besides the shushing. I don't think he had it in him anymore. These people… they were starting to break my brother.

I was trembling hard as I felt the abuser continue to punish me. _Where's Dean?!_ I thought hysterically. _Where's Dean!?!?_

Dean lifted his hand and gently removed the gag. He lifted the bottle of water to my lips and drank half-heartedly. My body felt just too depressed to put any real energy into anything. My mind still trapped in the flashback, why would I worry about water when a demon was taking its pleasure from me.

When Dean was satisfied with the amount of water I consumed, he lifted what was left to his own mouth and gulped it down. I looked up at brother finally seeing him. My legs still pressed tightly together in a protective act.

"S-sorry," I rasped out.

Dean gave me a completely dumbfounded look. "Why?

"I-I… d-didn' _m-m-mean _ta… ta do…"

"Shh, Sam. It's not your fault. God, if anyone it's _my_ fault."

I shook my head. _No… I let it happen. I'm just a dirty pathetic little brat who only deserved as much as one would expect. _Dean grabbed the bowl of tasteless mush and started to spoon feed me. I felt as though I should feel humiliated by the treatment, but my mind had other things to worry about. After Dean finished feeding me, he stuffed his mouth with the rest, eating quickly like a five-year-old who wants to get the pain of eating asparagus over.

"Times up," the man in the window said.

I saw the shadow darken over Dean's face as he grabbed the gag and gently coaxed me to open my mouth. I closed my eyes and flinched as I felt him fasten it around my head. Dean gave the bowl and water bottle to the man. When the window slammed closed, Dean curled himself behind me. His left arm over my side and around my chest holding me tight and his chin resting on the top of my head. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He rubbed my chest to in a lame attempt to calm my trembles. "I'm sorry…"

---

The door burst open as the same guards and Dr. Anderson returned. Dean looked at them in horror. "Oh god…" he whispered. "What did I do?"

"Nothing," Dr. Anderson said. He nodded to me again and the guards advanced.

"Then why…. NO!" The guards proceeded to yank me out of Dean's arms. I screamed at the loss of contact and started to sob. _Dean…!_

Dean struggled against the two guards holding him. "What the hell you doing?"

"Samuel's training begins today."

Dean froze. "What training?"

"That is none of your concern, however continue to question and oppose me and he will be punished."

Dean immediately stilled his struggles. He watched helplessly as Dr. Anderson walked up to my sobbing form. Putting a finger under my chin he lifted my face to meet his own. Dr. Anderson smiled at what I'm sure was abject fear he saw in my eyes. "We need to teach you who you serve and who you will always be linked to in an everlasting bond." Dr. Anderson roughly grabbed me out of the guard's hands and pinned me to the wall with a flick of the hand. He turned towards Dean and said, "Your father was so much fun…" He smiled as Dean's eyes widened in horror. "I wonder how your brother will be."

"Don't!" Dean pleaded. "Please, he's all I've got…!"

"Oh don't worry, Deano. I'm not going to kill him. Now silence unless you want to incite another punishment." Dr. Anderson lowered my pants and started to caress the abused flesh. I whimpered at the contact and tried to close my eyes and float away again. But this time something seemed to keep me grounded in the here and now. The 'Doctor' slipped his own pants off and started to grind my hips. I looked over at my brother, who was transfixed at the sight, silent tears running down his face. _I'm sorry…_ I tried to tell him through a look. _I'm so sorry…_

"Nah ah ah…" The guards laughed as Dr. Anderson slapped my face. "I'm the one you serve and you will look me in the eye as I claim you."

I sobbed harder as I looked into his eyes and saw yellow. _Oh god…_

"After this…" he said between pants. "you will know who you serve and you will forever be mine." He flipped me over and entered with a violent thrust. I screamed into the gag at the sudden pain. He pounded against me, causing him to grow hard and make the torture even more painful. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to float…

_Eliza pinned me down in the coffin, grabbing my groin and caressing it with a hungry lust…_

"No…"

_The Yellow-Eyed Man sucked in pleasure as John whimpered in a wordless plea…_

"No…!"

_She whispered into my ear, "You've been a bad boy and deserve to be punished. Look! It's not like you're not enjoying this…"_

"No!"

_The Yellow-Eyed Man had me pinned, his hand wandering down and slipping beneath my boxers…_

"NO!" I sobbed as only the abuse and degradations were recalled by my mind and tortured me in a grotesque slideshow.

Dr. Anderson exited with a violent pull. I shivered as viscous liquids dripped down my legs. I trembled in fear, shame, and pain. Dr. Anderson flipped me back to face him. He kissed me hard and possessively. "That was session one. You're marked now, boy. You're mine!" He released me from the wall and him and the guards left without another word. I curled into the tightest ball I could manage. Not a single coherent thought echoed my brain. Just feelings… unwanted feelings that made me sob and whimper.

---

"What on earth are those idjits doing at a hospital?" Bobby asked.

Caleb looked at the papers and said, "It's says that Sam Winchester was admitted several self-inflicted lacerations on his chest and arms."

"He tried to commit suicide?" Bobby said incredulously. "Dammit! We shouldn't have left those kids on their own after John died!"

"We couldn't have known, Bobby…"

"Yeah, well I say we go there right now and try to fix what's left of that family."

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!  
**


	13. Rescue

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

_**PLEASE READ FIRST!!**_** This chapter contains sexual assault. It's mild and not graphic but still not for the squeamish.**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!**

**Okay! This chapter is shorter than usual and I think its HORRIBLY written! I spent 3 days on it and I think it's still awful! So I hope the actual story is enough to get you by in this chap :P  
**

**Enjoy chapter thirteen!  
**

* * *

Bobby walked into the hospital followed closely by Caleb. He walked up to the nurse and said, "Hey, I'm looking for a boy named Winchester here?"

She looked up at the seasoned hunter and asked, "May I ask why?"

"FBI, ma'am." Bobby flashed his fake id.

"And what business do you have with 'Winchester?' Is he…?"

"He's not in any kind of trouble. We just need to ask him a few questions.

"One moment please, sir." She turned to her computer and asked, "What's the patient's name?"

"Samuel Winchester."

She typed in the name and frowned. "No, sorry, we don't have any Samuel Winchesters?"

"Do you have anybody under the name 'Sam?'"

"No actually, no Sams, Sammys or Samuels in any recent records.

"How recent?"

"Uh… No one of that name for the last two weeks. Sorry, sir."

"That's quite alright." Bobby turned to leave the hospital.

"So now what?" Caleb whispered.

"Either you read that record wrong, or they're lying."

"Why would a hospital lie about something like that…?" Caleb stopped when Bobby just stood staring at the parking lot. "Bobby, what is it…?" He followed the elder hunter's eyes and sucked in a breath at realization.

At the end of the parking lot, was a '67 Chevy Impala.

---

Dean rocked his unresponsive brother back and forth, a deep hot fire burning in his chest. He was so tired of all of this. These endless days with punishments and 'lessons.' He looked up at the camera with disgust. _I swear… I'm going to get you out of this Sammy…_

---

I whimpered at the wave of foreign feelings that assaulted me. Rage, hate, determination… I knew it was Dean. But the feelings pounded on my head making my headache much worse. I squirmed as the sexual assaults replayed in my mind. I _felt_ them. They taunted and tortured me in a vicious cycle of pain and fear. The straitjacket and gag tightened and suffocated me causing me to curl in deeper into my brother's chest. _Please… De... please...  
_

---

"Ready?" Bobby asked.

Caleb tucked the last bottle of holy water on the inside of his jacket and smiled. "Let's go."

Bobby and Caleb marched up to the hospital. Bobby walked up to the same nurse and flashed his id again. "We need to search the hospital."

"Excuse me??"

"Lady, we're under a serious investigation," Caleb said. "You either let us in freely or we'll do so by force."

"Absolutely not! We have no 'Sams' or 'Winchesters' here so…"

Caleb grabbed the bottle of holy water and flung the contents at the nurse's face.

She grabbed her face and screamed as the water burned her flesh. Caleb jumped over the desk and shoved her under. He pulled out a bag of salt and made a ring around her body. Looking up at Bobby, he nodded in affirmation. Bobby gave a quick nod before running into the back.

Bobby stealthily crept around into every ward, looking in every room looking for the brothers. If he kept his gun hidden, he just looked like a visitor so nurses and doctors in general paid no attention to him.

Finally, there was only the Psych Ward left. Bobby's stomach clenched, knowing the fear the youngest Winchester had of confinements.

It was then that the intercom came on. Caleb's voice came on deep and loud, reciting an exorcism.

Bobby jumped as _all_ the doctors and nurses around him screamed. They covered their ears and started to run to the exit. Wasting no time, Bobby ran into the Psyche Ward.

He went into the office and pressed a button letting all the doors unlock. He looked at the surveillance screens above and his heart sank.

Dean had Sam in a tight embrace, rocking him back and forth in apparent desperation. Bobby cursed at the sight of the straitjacket and gag immobilizing the youngest. He quickly ran out of the office and to the cell the Winchester brothers were held captive.

---

Dean looked up in confusion as the door swung open. He tightened his grip on his brother, determined to fight whatever threat was ahead. When no one entered, Dean lifted his unresponsive brother in his arms and took look outside. At seeing no one, Dean was certain this was a fluke or they were _letting _them go. Dean made a quick decision and started to run.

Weak from lack of food and exercise, he made slow progress to the exit. He gasped as he ran into somebody and immediately took a protective position over his brother.

"Dean?"

Bobby sucked in a breath when Dean looked back up at him. His eyes were dull with only a slight hint of hate and determination in his eyes. Sam lay limply in his arms, his eyes wide and glassy; the occasional whimper escaping from behind the gag.

Bobby put his hands palms up as he approached the teens. "It's okay, Dean. It's me, Bobby, remember?"

Dean gave him a look that clearly said, _Of course I remember! I'm not brain damaged!_ Bobby smiled. "Okay, are you gonna let me help you?" Dean slowly nodded. "Okay." Bobby bent down and started to take Sam out of his brother's arms.

---

I wasn't really aware of what was going on. My mind was trapped in the endless cycles of abuse and degradation. But I felt Dean. He was still with me, so I was okay.

But then a pair of foreign hands grabbed me and started to pull me away from Dean's arms. _No!_ I cried in protest, squirming against the hands. I looked up at the unknown entity practically begging with my eyes to let me stay with my brother. The foreign hands let go and I was safe back in my brother's arms. I screwed my eyes shut and curled myself into Dean's embrace again, hoping that the entity wouldn't take me away from Dean.

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!  
**


	14. Used Goods

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

_**PLEASE READ FIRST!!**_** This chapter contains sexual assault. It's mild and not graphic but still not for the squeamish.**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!**

**Enjoy chapter fourteen!  
**

* * *

In a cell without a camera, a man sat up as the door to his cell swung open. He weakly got to his feet, and looked out the door. Seeing no one, he escaped.

---

Caleb looked at Sam and Dean with shocked look. "Oh my god…"

"Later, Caleb!" Bobby said. "We need to go!"

Caleb nodded and ran to the Impala. "Dean! You go with Bobby and I'll take the Impala."

Dean nodded and followed Bobby to his truck. As soon as they got in and Bobby drove off, Dean removed the gag. He would wait to remove the straitjacket until they were somewhere stable, knowing Sam's arms would be cramped from being in the same position for a long time.

---

I felt the gag being taken out of my mouth and I automatically kept my mouth open, expecting water. When it didn't come, I whimpered. My throat was sore and dry and I was _able_ to have water now…

A voice floated over me. "When are we stopping, Bobby?"

"We're going to Caleb's place. It's about thirty minutes away and well hidden and protected."

Bobby…? Caleb…? I know those names… As I pondered on it more, I started to remember. They were friends of Dad's… hunting friends.

Knowing I was safe, I closed my eyes, curling into Dean's chest, and fell asleep.

---

When they arrived at Caleb's, Dean carried his brother inside. Carefully stepping over the salt, he strode to the couch and gently placed his brother down on his stomach. He started to tremble as he undid the buckles that held his brother captive. He'd wanted to do this for so long… but fear of punishment for his baby brother had prevented action. Now, he could free his brother from his mental prison.

---

I felt the jacket loosen and I cried in relief… and pain as pins and needles attacked my arms. A soft shushing and a callused hand brushing my face calmed my cries.

The entire jacket was removed and my arms felt like there were about to break off any second. I took deep breathes through the pain and I looked up at my brother. I could _see_ him now. Free of my confinements, my mind finally let itself go I felt as though I had some semblance of control again.

Dean was rubbing my arms slowly to get the blood running through again. Caleb came up behind him and handed him a bottle of water, which he opened and held up to my mouth. Feeling just a little embarrassed but knowing it was impossible for me to do it myself anyway, I let the water flow into my mouth. I choked a little before I got a steady stream going down my throat. I whimpered a little as Dean took it away.

"Can't over do it, buddy." Dean took a few gulps himself then smiled. "How ya feeling?"

I shrugged. "How long?"

Dean shook his head. "I dunno."

"It's November 27," Caleb said.

Dean's eyes practically popped out of his head. "Over two weeks…"

I merely nodded. I wasn't really surprised. It would explain why I was so weak and why I could barely move.

Caleb handed Dean a bowl of chicken broth, which Dean looked at in disappointment. "Hey man! I don't want ya to over do yourself!" Dean nodded in resignation. Caleb smiled and left us alone as Dean turned towards me. Dean scooped up some of the broth and waved in the air. "Open for the airplane…!" he teased.

Shooting him a glare, I reluctantly opened my mouth. His little treat-baby-brother-like-an-actual-baby was both relieving and downright annoying. The latter was obvious. But I was also relieved because the fact that Dean was making fun means that we're safe and relatively okay. For the time being.

I swallowed the broth and almost vibrated in pleasure as the salty, warm liquid made its way down my throat. It felt like forever since I had any real food. It tasted heavenly. Unfortunately I started to feel sick after only a few spoonfuls. Dean nodded his understanding and ate what was left in the bowl. He put the bowl down with a satisfied sigh and leaned back with his head resting on the couch. Feeling suddenly isolated, I stretched a hand out and lightly grabbed Dean's shoulder. Dean looked up at me in slight surprise and I quickly brought my hand back. _Course. Now that we're safe with our friends, he doesn't feel the need to take care of me as much. He saw what the Yellow Eyed Man did to me and is frustrated that I can't take care of myself… That I need comforting from him when he's also weak and exhausted. He knows now he can just let Bobby and Caleb take care of me now. No need for false comfort now. _I tucked my hand to my chest and turned away my head, not wanting to annoy Dean with my selfish neediness. Silent tears started to fall as I felt a familiar black pit start to settle in my stomach.

"Sammy?"

I jumped a little as Dean laid a hand on my cheek and turned my head towards him. I kept my eyes down, knowing he wouldn't want me to look at him selfishly. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"I bothered you. Won't happen again."

There was a moment of silence before Dean said, "No, Sammy, not again."

That caught me by surprise and I raised my eyes to meet his. I was surprised to find concern there. But I then I heard the hint of anger as well. "Sorry…"

"God dammit, Sammy! I'm not going to let you drown in your own self-hate! _Talk_ to me! I'm not…!" Dean looked down at my arms which were still healing from the recent abuse. "_Talk to me."_

Realizing that what happened after Dad died was repeated itself, I felt so stupid. _You know Dean would never leave you! He cares about you and will always be there for you!_

_Doesn't change the fact that you're used goods now._

That single fact hit me like a ton of bricks to the head. I squirmed my legs tightly together at the memory of the abuse. _Even so,_ I thought back, _Dean's here. Everything else I can deal with… I hope._

"I should have told you before," I whispered.

"Told me what?"

I closed my eyes and started to cry again. "The Yellow Eyed Man."

---

The man felt dizzy among other things. He felt violated and broken. His sanity was on the brink, he tittered in and out of reality and reasonable thought. Though, above all of this, he was angry. Rage coursed through his veins like a thick poison. He felt like screaming, roaring, raging around the empty hospital and break everything in sight. But he couldn't. He didn't have time. The Yellow Eyed Demon could get back at anytime. He had to get away and make a plan.

He marched out of the hospital and jacked one of the parking lot cars.

"I'm gonna make you pay for what you did!"

* * *

**Okay! If any of you are extremely confused about the newcomer... good! You're supposed to be.  
**

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!  
**


	15. Normal Day

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!**

**The second half of this chapter was kinda difficult for me to write so any feedback on it would be great!  
**

**Enjoy chapter fifteen!  
**

* * *

"I first saw him when I saw Dad… his death."

We were both sitting up on the couch. I had my legs squeezed tightly together as I leaned into my brother's side. Dean had his arm around my shoulder, rubbing my arm comfortingly.

"I just saw the eyes. I don't know why… but they scared the shit outta me. I… I think he's the voice I've been hearing. And I also had a dream… he… _did_ things to me!" Tears started to stream down my face at the memory. "But, then you were okay, so I was okay too! It didn't matter then… But then I started to hear his voice again. He kept saying that…"

"Saying what, Sammy?" Dean asked reassuringly.

"If I told you, he would kill you like he killed Dad," I sobbed. "He said that I'd be all alone… with _him!_ Said he was inside of me…"

"Is that… is that why you cut yourself?" There was no accusation in his voice. He just wanted to know the facts.

"I wanted him out. I… I wasn't thinking straight."

Dean gave me a small squeeze. "Sam, no matter what, from now on I want you to tell me these things. I don't care if you think it'll hurt me or hurt you… I want you to tell me."

"I know," I whispered. "I just should have seen it before."

"Seen what?"

"What Dr. Anderson was."

"A demon?"

"The Yellow Eyed Man."

I felt Dean stiffen next to me. "How do you know he's the… Yellow Eyed Man, or Demon?"

"Before he… I saw his eyes. They flashed yellow." I could feel the fire burning in Dean's chest. He was beyond angry. He was beyond rage. Dean knew now what had killed our father and… did things to me. And Dean wanted vengeance. "No."

"No what?"

"I don't… I don't wanna go after him."

"Sam…"

"Not soon anyway." I pressed my legs tighter together and curled into a smaller, effectively burrowing myself in Dean's side. I felt the fire go down to a controllable level. Concern and worry replaced it in the void of his mind. "Are you alright, Sammy?"

"Yeah, just a little uncomfortable." _Understatement of the year._

And Dean saw right through it. "Alright. You need to rest." Dean grabbed my arm and flung it over his shoulders. From the weeks of not moving, my entire body was atrophied. I couldn't go anywhere without help and could barely _do_ anything without support.

He led me slowly to our room, shushing the whimpers I emitted as the pins and needles attacked my weak legs. He gently lowered me under the covers of his bed. "Alright, you rest. I'm gonna talk to Caleb and Bobby, 'kay?"

I smiled and nodded. Dean smiled back and slowly made his way out of the room. Ever since our time at the hospital, it was very difficult to make ourselves separate from each other. But we came to a mutual agreement that if we wanted to get better and have things back to 'our normal'… than we needed to work on being independent.

---

_"So even with my threat, you still told your beloved brother about me…"_

_I spun around and there he was. The Yellow Eyed Demon… My insides froze in fear and my body started to tremble._

_He shrugged. "Oh well. It doesn't change anything really."_

_"Y-your n-not gonna k-k-kill D-Dean…?"_

_"Nah. Too much effort really. Really, I just told you that to make you squirm. Though you squirm plenty when I'm inside you…" _

_My eyes widened in fear and I started to back up shakily. "I-I… n-no… pl-lease d-d-don't…"_

_The Yellow Eyed Demon chuckled. "Ah, Sammy… Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything physically…"_

_"Wh-what d-d'ya m-mean ph-ph-physic-cally…?"_

_He chuckled again. "I mean, I'm here to show you how the world would be better off without you…" He snapped his fingers and the darkness around them melted away to reveal an old run-down motel. I watched as the front door opened and a ragged middle-aged man stumbled in._

_"Dad?" I whispered. Tears prickled at my eyes at the sight of my father, whom I knew I'd never see again…_

_"Hurry up, boys," John grumbled. A seven-year-old Dean led a very timid, barely three-year-old me into the motel room. _

_"Wh-what i-is th-is?" I asked._

_"This is just an ordinary day in the __Winchester__ life," the Yellow Eyed Demon said. "A life of moving, hunting, lying, and hiding. A life that never would have occurred if dear old mommy survived…"_

_"Wh-what's the point in sh-showing me this…?"_

_"You know how your mother died over your crib?" I nodded my head shakily, my mind screaming denial at the words I knew were about to come out of his mouth. "The only reason she did, was because she tried to protect you."_

_"Wh-what…?" I whispered._

_"Your mommy would be alive today if you were never born. You're family would be whole… and _this_ wouldn't have been the normal…"_

_I turned back to the scene of my past. Dad had already gone into one of the rooms to collapse for the night. Dean was at the stove making dinner. My younger self was sitting at the table, staring hard at the top of the table. "De?"_

_"Yeah, Sammy?"_

_"Why do Daddy smell funny?"_

_"He was drinking stuff… makes him smell like that." Dean opened a pack of powdered cheese and threw it into the pot to finish off the Mac and Cheese we were having for dinner._

_"That why he gone lots?"_

_"That and work." Dean poured a small amount of the Mac and Cheese into a bowl and sat next to my younger self. _

_"Nah ah!" I said. "Sammy big 'nough to eat self!"_

_Dean smiled. "You're big enough to eat yourself?"_

_"De! Don' feed me!" I pouted. _

_"Alright." Dean placed the bowl in front of me and handed me the spoon. I eagerly picked it up and scooped some of the food up. I held it in front of Dean's face. "Too hot."_

_Dean smiled and blew on it to cool it down. I jabbed the spoon into my mouth and chewed it delightfully. After I finished the bowl I asked for more and Dean immediately complied. _

_After I was done eating, Dean led me to the other bedroom and helped me change my clothes and go to bed. After I was asleep, Dean went back into the kitchen and lifted the pot. There was a few stray macaronis sticking to the excess cheese. Dean picked up a spoon and scraped what was left out. What was left barely fit the spoon, which Dean stuffed in his mouth and finished off. He looked into the empty pot forlornly before he ran warm water and rinsed it out. _

_"Why isn't he making more for himself…?" I whispered, feeling nothing less than utter sadness at my brother eating merely what was left._

_"This is your family's life," the Yellow Eyed Demon said. "Food was never a surplus, or even sufficient enough amount for a man and two growing boys. Dean seemed to know that and let you have what you want. Ever the big brother…"_

_Tears started to fall down my face as I listened and watched. I never knew that we ever had any trouble with food… I just always assumed there was always enough for all of us. But when I thought about it, it made sense. A man and two growing boys… there was no way we could always afford enough food._

_"But why didn't Dean just split it… I would have been fine with less…"_

_"Dean didn't want you to know," the demon said with disgust in his voice. "Wanted to protect you from the truth of your lives. From the truth of the lives you put them in."_

_"Oh god…" I sobbed. "Dean! I'm so sorry...!"_

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!  
**


	16. Selfish Brat

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**I wanted to thank everyone who's reviewed! I'm a busy person so don't really have time to respond to them, but I read and value every single one! Thanks again!**

**I think my actual writing is awful in this chapter, but I blame my migraine :P  
**

**Enjoy chapter sixteen!  
**

* * *

"How ya holdin' up, Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"How ya holdin' up?"

"Fine."

"Now that we got that out of our system, how ya _really_ holdin' up?"

"Bobby, c'mon…"

"Dean, you were trapped in a cell for two weeks with a brother you could barely help, almost a week after your _father_ died, so don't tell me you're 'fine' and expect me to believe it."

"Fine. I'm fine by Winchester standards."

"In other words, 'like shit.'"

Dean just shook his head and continued to do research. _Yellow Eyed Demon… What the hell does he want with us…_ Dean sat up when Bobby leaned over and slammed the book shut. "Seriously, Dean, you can't keep this bottled up. Not this time."

"What the hell do you want me to do? Cry on your shoulder and slow dance with you?!"

"If that's what it takes for you to get past what's happened than yes. You wanna help your brother deal, huh? Do you really expect Sam to open up and get over what's happened if his brother, who he idolizes and looks up to, doesn't?"

"What more is there for me to do!? I've told you everything that's happened!"

Bobby gave Dean a knowing look.

"Oh, no. I'm not going to have some 'chick flick' over what happened…"

"Look, you know I hate chick flicks as much as the next guy, but I think that's what's gonna have to happen. You don't have to do it with me, you can do it with Sam. Tell him how you feel and he'll most definitely return the favor. That's what you want, isn't it?"

Dean fumed for a second before realizing the logic in Bobby's words. "Yeah… Sam was always more 'chick flicky' than I was," Dean said with a knowing smile.

Bobby returned the smile. _He seems to have seen the smart side of things…_ Bobby gave the book a slight shove back at Dean. "Good. Now get researching! Caleb'll be back in an hour or so…"

Dean chuckled. "He must be the only guy on the face of the planet to take his time _shopping…_"

"Don't get your hopes up, Dean. I'm sure he's just taking his time conning clothes from goodwill…"

"Cheapskate."

---

_"Where you goin' runt?"_

_"C-class…" my seven-year-old self answered timidly. I shrank back as I realized I was cornered by three high schoolers. Being small for my age, I was an easy target for bullying._

_"What the hell is this?" my fourteen-year self said. "Why the hell are you showing me this? I know what happens!"_

_"Yes," the Yellow Eyed Demon said. "But you never realized the significance…"_

_I turned back to the scene as my younger self yelled at the punch that was thrown at my face. The teens laughed at the sudden tears that threatened to fall._

_"Aw… does the little baby have a boo-boo?"_

_"L-leave me al-lone…" I whimpered._

_"'Leave me alone!'" another teen mocked in a high pitched voice. He grabbed my arm and yanked me off the ground. I screamed as the shoulder threatened to pop out of place._

_"P-please…" I sobbed. "I-it h-hurts…!"_

_They just laughed and rammed their fists into my sides, causing me to yell out as bruises started to form._

_"Get away from him!"_

_The three teens looked towards the back of the building where an eleven-year-old, pissed-off Dean glared at them. They all laughed at the younger boy and the teen holding me in midair abruptly dropped me. I cried out at the impact jarred my bruised ribs and sensitive shoulder. I curled into fetal position in hopes that the teenagers wouldn't hurt me anymore…_

_"I swear if you touch him ever again…" Dean threatened._

_The teenagers continued to laugh as one of them approached Dean and flew a punch. Dean easily dodged and kicked him hard in the knees. _

_"Sonovabitch!" he yelled. The other teens stopped laughing as a boy half their size knocked one of them down into submission. They angrily rushed Dean. Even though he was a good fighter, he was no match for two teens five years older and twice his size. They pinned him to the wall as the teen with the rapidly swelling knee got back up. "You little bitch…" He slammed a fist into Dean's nose, breaking it on contact. He rammed his fists into Dean's body again, and again, and again, and again…_

_I remained curled on the ground, my sobs intensifying with each blow…_

_I stood, shaking in anger as the scene faded away._

_"Do you remember what injuries Dean ended up with?" the Yellow Eyed Demon taunted. _

_"Five broken ribs, a broken jaw, nose, dislocated shoulder, bruises, cuts, and a burst appendix," I reiterated monotone from memory. It took Dean over four months to full recover between the physical therapy and the appendectomy. Dean kept insisting that I was in no way responsible and I blindly believed it. _

_But seeing it happen again from an outsider's point of view…_

_"Protecting you… Dean got so injured he almost died, John's hunting was delayed, because Dean was protecting _you._ Because you couldn't take care of yourself and suck it up like Dean did. I don't recall Dean begging the bullies to stop… Did you?"_

_I bowed my head to hide the silent tears that started to run down my face._

_---_

"I also got this…" Caleb said.

Dean looked up from the bag of clothes he was digging through. Caleb was holding his amulet out for him. Dean gave a quick smile and quickly grabbed it from Caleb. He put it back around his neck where it belonged when he remembered why he didn't have it in the first place. Dean squeezed the amulet in anger.

"Dean, what is it?" Bobby noticed the sudden change from happy to anger appear in Dean's body language.

"I gave this to Sam when I had to leave for the night. To make him feel better. Next time I saw him was in the cell… he wasn't wearing it then."

"So…" Caleb said.

"So, the bastard took it from him! Sam's already been scared out of his mind at the mere idea of being alone and that Yellow Eyed son of a bitch took away Sam's only connection with me!" Dean spat out angrily.

Bobby placed a hand on Dean's shoulder. "It doesn't matter now. Sam's hear with all of us now. He's not alone and he knows it."

Dean shook his head and sighed. "You guys don't understand. It's not just a matter of being here… Sam has to know that we're here to stay… the Yellow Eyed Demon has been screwing with his mind from day one and I don't know how I'm gonna reverse the damage…"

"We'll find a way, Dean. Just remember what I said before."

Dean nodded. "I'm hungry. Caleb, why don't ya order pizza and I'll go wake Sam up."

---

_"Don't you see, Sammy boy, what a waste of life and space you are?"_

_"But… Dean said…"_

_"Of course he did! He's always told you what you wanted to hear. Doesn't mean that the fact that you're a selfish brat is any less true." Slowly, I nodded my head in agreement. The demon smiled. "Still, that doesn't mean that I don't want you any less." He roughly grabbed my arms and pinned me to the ground. "You're key to my end game, Sam. And I might as well get some fun in on the side…"_

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!**

**PS I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS STORY! It's really weird, but whenever I write about Dean's amulet, whether by hand or typing, at home or not, the lights flicker at some point. I know most of you won't believe me, but it's true! The lights in my house flickered about fifteen minutes ago when I was writing that section. And I was working in an office (I was done with all my work at the moment) and I was handwriting about the amulet in the chapter where Dean gives it to Sam when the lights in the office flickered. It's kinda creepy but stuff like this tends to happen to me often so I'm used to it by now... END OF RANDOM TRUE STORY!  
**


	17. Burden or Not?

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**I can't believe how many people are staying with the story! To everyone who has and hasn't reviewed but is reading the story anyway, I thank you for sticking with it through the highs and lows.**

**Truthfully I think we may be coming to an end... as much as it may not seem like it. I think the loose ends are gonna start being tied.**

**This chapter may be a bit confusing so just leave a line if you have any questions.  
**

**Enjoy chapter seventeen!  
**

* * *

Sam was moaning and stirring around in his sleep as Dean walked in. Worried about a growing nightmare, Dean quickly went to Sam's side and shook him gently. "Sam. Sammy, wake up."

Tears started to leak out from underneath Sam's eyelids as he started to keen and whimper in obvious distress.

"Sam... Sammy! Wake up! It's okay! We're here now." Dean leaned over his brother and wrapped his arms around the trembling form. "It's okay, I'm here, I'm here..."

---

_"Wh-what d-do you m-mean e-end ga-ame…?" I stuttered out as the Yellow Eyed Demon pressed his body hard against mine._

_"Now, I just can't come out and say that, can I? I've worked hard to cover my tracks. You won't know what it is until it's too late. But don't worry… you have several, several years to live before that happens." My breathing hitched as the demon slipped his hand under my boxers and started to fondle me. "I own you, Samuel Winchester. I'm the only one who has a use for you. I'm the only one who doesn't see you as a burden."_

_"N-No! D-De…!" I started to cry as the Yellow Eyed Demon placed a finger at my tip worked a fingernail in agonizingly slow. _

_"Fine. Let me show you something else."_

**_Flash_**

_My ten-year-old self ran up the road to the motel we were currently staying. My report card was clutched firmly in my hands, excitement radiated off me in waves._

_"Dad!" I yelled as I flung the door open. "Dad!"_

_"In here, Sammy."_

_I ran to the kitchen where my father was cleaning weapons. I slapped the report card on the table for him to see. "Look, Dad, look!"_

_He stopped his cleaning for a second as his eyes glanced over the sea of 'A's on the progress report. My father shrugged and said, "So?"_

_I faltered. "Dad… look!"_

_"I did look, Sam and I'm asking you what's the big deal?"_

_I felt my body start to tremble. According to my teacher, no other kid in the entire **school** got straight 'A's. She said I was special. That I had talent. Unable to understand my father's apathy, I pointed to the paper again and said, "Look."_

_He gave a frustrated sigh and said, "Sam, I've got things to do, so if all your going to do is fling a stupid report card at me, then I suggest you cut it out and start training. Ask Dean to help you. You need to improve on your shot."_

_I felt tears threatening to fall but refused to let them go as I grabbed my report card and retreated back to my room. But not before I heard my father mutter…_

_"If that's all he can do maybe I should leave him at Pastor Jim's before he gets us killed."_

_Tears streamed down my face as I ran back to my room and shut the door behind me. I looked at the report card and felt a sudden rush of anger. I started ripping it in half. I sobbed harder as I ripped it in half again. And again, and again, and again…_

_"Sam?" _

_I froze in my destructive mode as Dean's voice reached me from the other side of the door. "Y-yeah?"_

_"You okay?"_

_"Y-yeah, I'm fine." I walked over to the desk and placed the pieces down._

_"Well can you let me in, 'cause it's kinda my room too."_

_I looked into the mirror and quickly wiped away the tears on my face. Unfortunately a fresh wave of sobs came over me as I remembered my father's words._

**_If that's all he can do maybe I should leave him at Pastor Jim's before he gets us killed._**

_"Sam?" _

_My breathing hitched when I heard Dean's voice right behind me. "Wh-what?"_

_"Sammy, what's wrong?" Dean turned me around and looked at my tearstained face worriedly._

_"Nothing. Just got something in my eye…"_

_"Right, and I'm the tooth fairy."_

_"Always thought you'd look good in a skirt," I said thickly._

_"Taken out of context… that sounded incredible wrong."_

_I laughed, feeling much better. **How does he do that…?** "Yeah, it does."_

_Dean brought a hand up and wiped the tears off my face. "So, you gonna tell me what's wrong?"_

_I shook my head. "Nah." I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. "I'm okay."_

_Dean nodded and I could tell he didn't believe me. Hoping to change the subject I blurted out, "I got straight 'A's on my report card."_

_"Really? That's great!"_

_"Really? You think so?"_

_"Well, yeah! I don't get grades that good. Not that I try..." _

_I laughed. "No, you're too busy necking the local football star's girlfriend."_

_"Shut up, Sam. At least I get some! Hey, look. Dad told me to take you out to practice shooting. I got say… you need to sharpen those shooting skills of yours."_

_I nodded in agreement, my father's previous words hitting me hard again. "O-okay."_

_The flashback faded leaving me and the demon that continued to squeeze and play with me. "You see?" the Yellow Eyed Demon jeered. "You're father thought you useless and eventually **did** leave you at Pastor Jim's, didn't he? Didn't last long because Big Brother had to come to your rescue, **again**, when your nightmares became worse and worse… Another point to add to the burden-to-Dean list."_

_I shook my head in denial, cringing as the demon rubbed my testicles together harshly. "N-no…! D-De was…"_

_The demon shook his head disgusted. "The blind faith you have in your brother is truly foolish of you." He bent down and planted a hard, possessive kiss, crushing my lips against my teeth. "Maybe it'd be easiest to just take you away…" _

_I shook my head frantically. "N-no! Please! D-don' t-take m-m-me aw-w-way from Dean!"_

_The demon smiled in victory. "Then you're gonna have to do what I say…"_

_---_

My eyes snapped open to behold an extremely worried Dean hugging me tightly.

"Sam!" Dean placed me back on the bed gently. "Jeez, are you alright!?"

I brought a hand up and quickly wiped my tears away. "N-nightm-mare…"

"One hell of a nightmare, bro. Probably woke up a couple of corpses in the cemetery down the street…"

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I was just worried."

I sat up and closed my eyes, trying to block out what happened with the Yellow Eyed Demon. I knew better than to hope that it was just a nightmare, but while I was awake, I wanted to at least pretend it was.

"Caleb's ordering pizza… I thought you'd want to be decent for when the food arrives."

I nodded. "Thanks," I muttered.

"Don't be!" Dean said jokingly. "The only reason I did was so that I could eat with the geezers…"

"I meant… thanks."

A serious look replaced the joking one and Dean nodded, acknowledging the actual meaning of the word. "No thanks needed, Sammy. Big Brother Code Book Rule 11 strictly says to take care of little brother, even if he's a pain-in-the-ass bitch…" He laughed as I grabbed my pillow and hit his head.

* * *

**I decided to end this chapter on a higher note...**

**PLEASE REVIEW! All reviews are much appreciated and help make me a better writer! And they inspire me to work faster! Also, suggestions are all valued!**


	18. Chick Flick

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**I can't believe how many people are staying with the story! To everyone who has and hasn't reviewed but is reading the story anyway, I thank you for sticking with it through the highs and lows.**

**Truthfully I think we may be coming to an end... as much as it may not seem like it. I think the loose ends are gonna start being tied.**

**This chapter was what I call... deep. Chick Flick alert!  
**

**Enjoy chapter eighteen!  
**

* * *

Dean and I walked back to the kitchen where the smell of greasy pepperoni pizza met our nostrils. As much as I usually hate that kinda food, it smelled pretty damn good. Though upon seeing Bobby and Caleb I instinctively cowered behind Dean. I grabbed the back of his leather jacket for reassurance and let him lead the way to the table.

Things were pretty… _normal._ Bobby and Caleb talked about recent hunts and argued over supernatural controversies with Dean interjecting every now and then with his own opinion. I just sat, slightly hunched over and leaning into Dean as I ate the single slice of pizza. Dean would throw reassuring looks at me as we ate and would poke my side in a teasing, brotherly manner. A few sarcastic remarks were thrown about how it's my 'time of the month' and that's why I wasn't eating much, which usually resulted in Dean whining on how I left a grease spot on the back on his head from whacking him.

"Dean?" I whispered while Bobby and Caleb were cleaning up the dinner mess.

"Yeah, Sammy?"

"Can I talk to you? Privately?"

Dean gave me a slightly surprised look and said, "Of course, Sam. C'mon." He led me back to the bedroom and we sat on his bed. "Dean…" I started.

"Sam, can I say something first?"

I looked up at him and saw uncertainty and hesitation in his eyes. I slowly nodded, curious at what he wanted to say.

"I just wanted to say… about what happened at the hospital and even everything before that. I… I've been _scared_, Sam." My eyes widened at the tears brimming in my brother's eyes. "We just lost Dad and… then you started… acting weird but I guess that's my fault. Never should have pushed you away…" he said quietly. "And… things seemed to get stranger and stranger around you and…" A tear fell down Dean's face, but he didn't seem to notice, "I felt like I was starting to loose you. And I _felt_… so empty… at the thought of loosing you. If something were to happen to you, Sammy… I don't know what I'd do."

I stared at Dean in shock. The sudden rush of emotions and enforced chick flick moment was so out of character for Dean… It was just plain unnatural for him. Tears started to fall steadily down his face and I felt the tears starting to fall down mine.

"Then at the hospital… I couldn't _do_ anything to make it better. You were… being _tortured_ and if I tried to stop those damn demons they'd just hurt you more. I never felt so helpless in my life. But I _swear_, Sammy… I swear that no… matter… _what_… I will always do my best to take care of you. And I will never leave you. No… matter… **_what_**."

I buried my face in my hands, the emotions overwhelming me. Dean rested a hand on my back and started to rub it soothingly. Sobs shook my shoulders at my brother's words. No matter what… I knew Dean was talking about the fact that the demons… assaulted me. He was telling me that nothings changed. That he doesn't think any less of me because of what happened. "I-I was s-scared too. I th-thought you w-were gonna l-l-leave too. Th-then the Y-Yellow Eyed Demon… he… I don't understand! He kept saying things like 'bonded' and 'his' and 'end game' and…

"What? Sammy, what are you talking about?"

I sniffed and looked back up at Dean. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. He's still in here." I hit the side of my head repeatedly until Dean grabbed my arm and pulled it down. "He was in my sleep…"

"What did he do…?" Dean asked, his voice full of dread and anger.

"He… showed me things and…" I turned fully to my brother and said, "He said I was 'key to his end game…' what do you think he means by that?"

Dean shook his head. "I dunno, Sammy."

"And… why did he… oh god, Dean he _raped _me!" I sobbed.

Dean pet my hair comfortingly, shushing my sobs. "I know, Sammy. I know."

"Why?" I asked with a strained voice. "Why? Why Dad? Why me? Why… do _I_ seem to be at the _center _of all this!"

Tear built up in Dean's eyes again as he reiterated, "I dunno, Sammy."

I sighed. "And why do _you_ do all this!?"

"What?"

"This! Everything! Why do you do it?!"

"I-I don't understand, Sam…"

"You take on bullies twice you size! You eat so little so that I'll have enough! Dad obviously never thought I was worth the effort so why do you!?"

Dean looked at me in disbelief. "What? How do know…" His face filled with realization. "That Yellow Eyed son of a bitch…" Dean breathed.

"No," I said tearfully. "The one good thing that demon did was tell me the truth. Why? Why'd you do that to yourself? I'm not _worth_ it, I'm not…"

Dean grabbed my head, effectively silencing me. "Sam. You are more worth it than anything else. I did those things… because I wanted the best for you. I knew this life would be hard on you. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't… completely miserable," Dean laughed. "But… it made me _happy_, Sammy. It did," he said off my look of disbelief. "Making you happy… it makes me happy. I would have it any other way, little brother."

I smiled. "Okay. But do you promise to let me stand for myself sometimes too. I don't want to depend on you."

"You don't, Sam. You have survived so much… on your own. When you were at the hospital, you survived. When you thought I was going to leave you, you survived. In you _dreams,_ where the Yellow Eyed Demon terrorizes you, you are on your own, and you survive."

I shook my head in amazement. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Make me feel better with just a few words."

"Sam! Dean!" Bobby yelled, making us jump. We gave each other confused looks before quickly leaving the room.

"Bobby, what is it?!" Dean asked. I stayed behind Dean, as usual, clutching the back of his jacket tightly.

Bobby was staring at the front door where Caleb stood holding it open. They both had looks of pure shock. I felt Dean stiffen and I gazed at the doorway.

And my heart stopped.

Standing at the door, dirty, rugged, and bloodied, was John Winchester.

* * *

**Oh, btw... I never said this fic was AU ;P  
**

**PLEASE REVIEW! Especially now that we're headed towards the end, any last request, ideas are wonderful and PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW I'M DOING! I want all your thoughts.  
**


	19. Waiting

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**I can't believe how many people are staying with the story! To everyone who has and hasn't reviewed but is reading the story anyway, I thank you for sticking with it through the highs and lows.**

**We have only 1 or 2 chapters left and then we are DONE! Phew! It's been a long road...  
**

**LIMP!SAMAGE in this chapter  
**

**Enjoy chapter nineteen!  
**

* * *

"Dad?" I whispered.

John gave a tired smile. "Hey, boys."

I looked down as I felt Dean shuffle. His hand was reaching behind to grab the silver knife from his pant liner.

"Dean...!" I started.

Dean lunged forward, knocking John backwards onto the porch. Dean held the knife to John's throat and snarled, "Who are you!?"

"Dean... It's me..." John looked down at the knife at his throat. "I'm not a shapeshifter, ya know."

"Really?" Dean said disbelievingly. Dean moved the knife to John's shoulder and just pierced the skin. Enough to draw blood. Dean frowned when John didn't react.

"I'm not," John said with a sad smile.

SPLASH!

John shut his eyes as Bobby poured holy water on John's face. John blinked the water out of his eyes and said, "I'm not demon either, guys." He looked just a little exasperated.

Dean's eyes widened. "Dad?"

"Yeah. It's me."

Tears brimmed Dean's eyes as he dropped the knife and wrapped his arms around his father. "Oh... God!" Dean whispered.

Not being able to stand it anymore, I ran up to Dad and lunged myself at him. "Dad!" I cried.

And there we were. The two Winchester brothers crying on the arms of their NOT-dead father. Confusion and questions would come later. For now, I was content being the desperate son of a lost dad.

--

The moment was broken much too early when Dad pulled away and looked at us with teary eyes. Bobby and Caleb decided to go out and leave us to ourselves. We were seated in the living room, Dean and I on the couch with me curled heavily against Dean's side, and Dad in a chair across from us.

"I am so sorry, boys."

"Dad," Dean said. "What the hell happened? You died... I identified your body!"

"I know. That Yellow Eyed son of a bitch wanted to make you believe I was dead."

"The Yellow Eyed Demon?!" Dean spat out.

"Yes. I'm not sure why... Anyway he kept me in a cell at a hospital. Chained, gagged, whole nine yards. I have no idea how long I was there. But... the demon certainly had fun 'playing' with me."

"What do you mean, 'playing with you'?" Dean asked.

John didn't answer the question. Instead he went on. "After a while I could hear familiar voices in the cell next to mine. And I knew that the demon had found more people to torture." John looked directly at us, and it was only a moment until we realized what he meant.

Dad was in the cell next to us.

I felt like throwing up at the thought that one, Dad was so close to us for so long and we didn't know, and two, that Dad knew what the demon did to me, what I did. I lowered my gaze, shamed to the fact that Dad would now think less of me for not being able to fight them off.

"Then... the rescue party came. I was obviously for you and not me, but I was able to get out regardless. Remind me to thank those two when they get back. And from there... I made my way here."

We sat in silence, absorbing the new information. None of this seemed possible. It was too _simple._ Too _obvious._ I shook my head in an attempt to clear my head, but the small headache that used to just be settled in the back of my mind was starting to grow into a full-blown migraine. And further. I gasped as a stab of pain shot through my head, my hand shooting up to apply pressure to my head.

"Sammy?" Dean looked down at me concerned. I gave Dad a quick glance to see that he was sitting passively, like he'd been expecting this to happen.

"Dad?" I whimpered as I swore my head split into two.

"It's okay, Sam," Dad said. "Just let it come."

"Just let what come?!" Dean yelled. "What the hell is going on, Dad?!"

"It's okay, Dean. I know what I'm doing."

"Wha-"

I screamed as my head exploded in pain. "DEAN!" I shouted. "MADE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!" I sobbed.

"Sam, look at me!" Dean said, holding my head in his hands. "Sam, just look at me!"

"I'M... TRYING!" But I couldn't. Tears of pain filled my eyes and fell freely down my face. All I could see was a world of Technicolor. I screamed again as the pain increased possibly further. I could taste blood as it ran into my mouth from my nose. Something was wrong. _Physically_ wrong.

"Dad, do something!" Dean cried out. "You knew this was gonna happen!" he said angrily. "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"I can't! Not yet!"

"WHY THE FCK-!" Dean stopped as I screamed again. I leaned forward hard and pressed my head desperately against his chest, practically begging my big brother to fix this.

My head must have finally split open. The pain increased tenfold and I felt my grip on reality slipping. I desperately reached for it, seeking my very last anchor.

"DEEEEAN!!!"

Then nothing.

---

Dean felt tears running down his face as his brother desperately called for him. And then, everything stopped. Sam stopped trembling, he stopped screaming, he stopped crying. He sat back up and looked at Dean with a tearstained face. Dean suddenly jumped back away from Sam. "Oh _god!_"

Sam smiled. This wasn't a light-the-room-Sammy smile. This was a purely evil smile that shouted I-know-something-you-don't. "What's wrong, big brother?" His eyes flashed yellow.

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW! Especially now that we're headed towards the end, any last request, ideas are wonderful and PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW I'M DOING! I want all your thoughts.  
**


	20. A Normal Life

**Disclaimer: see chapter one**

**I can't believe how many people are staying with the story! To everyone who has and hasn't reviewed but is reading the story anyway, I thank you for sticking with it through the highs and lows.**

**THIS IS THE FINAL CHAPTER! This chapter is going to prove I suck at endings....  
**

**MANY THANKS TO babyreaper, ApplePieeLovver, charming2drew, for sticking with me and reviewing since the beginning! And to everyone else who reviewed and stuck with the story!**

**Enjoy chapter twenty, the final chap!  
**

* * *

"Big brother?" Sam said.

"You're not Sam!" Dean growled.

He did that awful smile again. "No, but I'm wearing his meat."

"You son of a bitch... I swear you're going to _regret_ the day you ever came after us!"

"Aw... Dean don't be such a drama queen! It really doesn't suit you."

It was too freaky for words. Seeing Sam's body acting in a mocking manner was just downright _freaky._ Dean could hear his father mutter something under his breath and he hoped to god it was an exorcism.

"You get out of my brother, right... now."

The demon chuckled. "Now why would I do that. Sam has already agreed to do whatever I ask of him." He placed a hand over Sam's crotch and started to molest. "And I gotta say he feels _sooo_ good!"

"Stop it!" Dean yelled angrily. _God, please tell me Sammy can't feel any of this!_

The demon chuckled again and complied with a nod. Dean could already see the erection starting to grow in Sam's pants.

Yellow Eyes leaned a little and saw John chanting. "Aw... John, what are you up to?" he asked teasingly.

John smiled. "I'm sending your ass back to hell."

Yellow Eyes' smug smile disappeared as he stood straight, and with a flick of his arms, pinned John and Dean to the walls. "That was a mistake, Johnny boy!" he said angrily, his yellow eyes flickering with agitation. After he calmed down, the smug smile returned. "Time for another punishment, huh John?"

John's eyes widened in horror. "No, please! Not in that body! You can do whatever you like to me, just use another body!" he begged.

Having seen the Yellow Eyed Demon's punishments already, Dean had a pretty good idea of what he had in mind for his family. "Use me!" Dean yelled. "Use me, please! You've done so much to Sam already! He's not much good to you brain damaged, is he!?"

The demon seemed to consider this. "Nah! Sam's a strong boy! I've made sure of it! He'll be fine when the end game comes around."

"We're not going to let it happen!" John shouted. Dean looked at his father for a moment. _Does Dad know what the 'End Game' is?_

Yellow Eyes just shook his head as he lowered John to kneeling position and zipped down Sam's pants. "Open wide, John!" He grabbed John's jaw, forcing it open and thrust Sam's member into John's throat. The demon thrust back and forth fast in John's mouth. "Doesn't it taste good, John? Make sure you get a good taste of your beloved Sam!"

Tears started to fall down John's face as he was forced to give his son a blow job. He closed his eyes and prayed that Sam wasn't awake through all this.

The demon suddenly extracted himself and turned around in horror.

Dean followed the demon's gaze and saw Bobby and Caleb standing in the door way. Bobby was quickly reciting the exorcism as Caleb flung holy water at Yellow Eyes.. He screamed as the water burned him and Bobby finished the chant. His head reared back and a long thick cloud of black smoke erupted from his mouth and disappeared as it was teleported to hell.

Dean and John were released from their hold. John fell and immediately started to vomit. Dean quickly got up and ran to where his brother's body lay. "Sammy!" Dean gave Sam a once over before quickly zipping his pants back up. "It's okay, Sammy... It over."

Once John was done, he stumbled over to his sons. "Dad?"

"What is it, Dean?"

"Do you know what Yellow Eyes meant by 'end game?'"

John shook his head. "No, I don't."

---

After I passed out, I was only aware of a few things. Feelings of being violated were most prominent. Pure evil was riding me and it was_ painful. _I wanted nothing more than to rip it out!

And then it was gone. The next thing I feel is a pile of warm blankets covering me and a voice calling me from the void.

"D-De..."

"Sammy! You there?"

I squinted my eyes open and nodded. "Wasn't aware I left..."

Dean smiled. "How you feeling?"

"Surprisingly hungry, as a matter of fact... Dean, what happened?"

"What do you remember?"

"Just... pain. A lot of pain. Than waking up."

Dean nodded as he bent over and swept me up in a hug.

At first I stiffened in the sudden embrace but than I quickly melted in.

"You were possessed."

I stiffened again. "I-I was."

"Yeah, Yellow Eyes thought he'd take you for a joy ride," Dean spat out angrily.

"H-How... I-I m-m-mean d-did I _hurt_ anyone?"

"No. Bobby sent the bastard to hell before he could do anything."

I leaned back away from Dean's embrace so I could see his face. "So... he's gone."

"Dean smiled. "Yeah, Sammy. He's gone."

---

Even though the Yellow Eyed Demon was gone I was still scared about his 'end game.' What if getting rid of him didn't stop it from coming in motion. That's when I decided the that safest thing for everyone would be for me to stop hunting. To become normal and live a normal life so I don't turn into a monster. Though Dad didn't really agree with me. He seemed to think the opposite.

But I didn't care. When I was eighteen I ran off to Stanford where I had gotten a full ride. I met a beautiful woman named Jessica, proving to Dean that I _could_ pick up pretty girls. I was gonna marry her. I wanted to spend the rest of my normal life with her.

I never anticipated how short that normal life would be.

_Drip. Drip._

"NO!"

* * *

**THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ. DO THE DRAGON A FAVOR AND REVIEW JUST ONCE LAST TIME!!  
**


End file.
